So for the past four or five months, my highschool buddy, Greg, has been living in the second bedroom of my condo. Greg is the little brother of my best friend, Matt (who was the other graduating member of my highschool class). In January or so Greg's fianceé Rita moved in, which was cool because she's really nice and she would cook me food everyonce in a while. They're getting married in June, and last Tuesday (not yesterday) they closed on their own house. I'm happy for them, but that means that 1) they're moving out, and 2) they're not paying me rent anymore. Please don't let that come off wrong, they were very cool and fun to have around, but their extra 300 dollars a month made them just that much cooler. I'm half-debating looking for another roommate, though I think my standards are too high. I'll run them by you
1) someone who doesn't do illegal drugs.
2) someone without a "large" and/or smelly pet (cats or dogs).
3) someone with a job.
4) someone who won't steal from me.
5) someone who loves Monopoly and owns a PlayStation2, an Xbox so I can finally play "Fable" and has a really hot girlfriend who has hot friends...
OK, Five's just a joke, but seriously I have to be careful about roommates, I've had some bad ones in the past.
For example; you ever have a roommate who gets wasted all the time and when they come home they drunkenly pee on the furniture? Me neither, but ALL my roommates have… I had a female roommate once; a friend of mine from college. People always said we were going to "hook up" and I doubted it. I told people "We're too close for that, we're like best friends, or brother and sister. Besides I asked, and she said 'No'." That sucked, you know, because she refused to… The female started getting on my nerves, we kept different hours and so all I saw her do was watch stupid reality TV, eat cake and talk to her cat. Now let me say, I didn't use to hate cats, but I do now. This cat was mean. I used to close (and lock) my door at night so it wouldn't come claw-out my eyes and crap in my mouth. Then I found out the cat liked to sleep under my bed, so when I was locking the door at night, it was just me, the cat, and NO witnesses. The best part about the cat was it's name. Cecelia Ann Tavener (Tavener being my roommate's last name). Read that again Cecelia Ann Tavener. The cat's initials are C-A-T. I guess I've only had 2 bad roommates, the "cat lady" and the one before her (another girl). I mentioned keeping different hours; she woke up at the butt-crack of dawn and went to bed extremely early. Sound productive? Errr. Wrong. All she did was get drunk, smoke and bring over different dudes all the time. She also snored, not like you would think a lady would snore… imagine if bull dozers took naps… (I have this act-out my Aunt Millie loves where I imitate the snoring, I should do that on stage again). Anyway, long story short: I couldn't live with Grandma anymore.
OK, I all I did was set up a series of disgusting habits or un-lady-like practices and then at the ending it by revealing the female in question was my grandma (it works with one's mother, too) and turn the joke around that way, but I wrote that bit literally years ago. I used to be against using the "Grandma Turn" (as I call it) but (and I just thought of this) maybe it's not the final punch (oh, grandma!) that makes it funny. Maybe it's all the setup and details that go into it. Kind of like the "Aristcrats" joke, they pretty much all end the same, but it's the stuff in the middle that makes the joke fun/original/worth while.
The taxi’s waitin’, He’s blowin’ his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could die
Anyway, if you want to move in, fill out an application and email it over.