I can't sleep!

It's about 10:43 pm on Tuesday, and normally I would be asleep by now, but tonight was freakin' awesome. Easily one of the best open mics I've been to in a while. Why? People did their time. During the pre-show meeting Scott Avery made it pretty clear that people needed to do their 4 minutes and no more or they wouldn't be getting back on stage very soon. Just before the show started, Keith Cissell asked if I wanted to keep time. Heck yeah I did. Keeping time was pretty funny too, because after Scott's speech, people would see the 3 minute light (signifying the comedian had about a minute left) and would maybe do another 30 seconds. Arvin Mitchell had one of the best reactions to the 'final' light, he was just starting a joke and said something like "Ahh, hell no, I ain't even gonna do that joke, they're giving me the light". My set was a lot of fun, I did almost all my Holiday material, including the new 12 Guage Thanksgiving joke, which didn't hit as well on stage as it does when I tell it in person (I guess I should be a little more conversational (I'm working on it) on stage). I also did my Women/Math joke, and changed it's leadout a bit. Tom Milster says he likes the old way I did it better, but the joke's so new, I really don't know what that way is/was. Anyway, my time on stage was 3:48 and I had to rush and cut part of my first porn joke to get off stage in time (I had my cellphone (which I was using as a stopwatch) on me). Anyway, we got out of the show around 9:30 and I made it home to watch a Tivo'd episode of the Comedians of Comedy (which Tom Milster told me about) and I have to say I love Maria Bamford, Zach Galifianakis, Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt even more now. Something about seeing what I would call living legends discussing getting better, having problems working with the crowd, and having self-esteem issues really makes me have hope that I'm not wasting my time. I've only caught two episodes of the show, and those four already seem so much more human than I thought possible; I'd probably sell my soul to be able to meet them (but only if I would be guaranteed I wouldn't sound like some annoying fanboy). Anyway, you should check out the show, there's some info about the show on Comedy Central's website.

And if time's elimination
Then we got nothin' to lose
Please repeat the message
It's the music that we choose (Oh Yeah)

Love that Joker

Last night my roommate and I had to run to Home Depot to get some PVC pipe so we could fix a sink that wasn't draining. We got done around 9-ish and I really didn't feel like heading over to the Bistro. I went over anyway, because the Funny Bone list wasn't published, and I wanted to make sure I got on a couple times this week. It was the usual four, Billy Davis, Clayton Champagne , myself and Stevie P. Clayton asked me to host and because of last week's hosting fiasco, I politely declined. He asked Stevie who didn't want it, so he asked me again and I agreed. I did all my Holiday jokes, even my old Easter/Bachelor party which I haven't pulled out in a while. I also did my Ferrari joke and worded it differently. Of course I didn't record my set because I didn't have room on my DVR. Anyway, I don't remember when we started, but we got done around 11:30 bar-time, so it wasn't that bad for the four of us. I should really try to setup my entire "catalog" of jokes and see if i can get them all out at the Bistro sometime just to see how much time I have, but since the crowd is pretty regular, it was nice to have some jokes I know they hadn't heard. I had more fun hosting last night that I did last week.
And after the show Vinnie and I had a garage sale to fund his going to film school. He actually tried to sell my dad his own golf clubs back. How crazy...

When you had to go I hated the thought,
I always wish the night was twice as long

1225 ft/sec

Today I received a phone call from my brother, Darin. We were planning driving to my brother Jason's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. He said "Hey bro, I need you to pick something up for tomorrow".
So I respond, "Ok, sure man. What do you need me to pick up?"
And his response took me a little off guard, "12 gauge shot gun shells."
I was thinking more like cranberries, but ok. "Ok, I'll head over to Bass Pro after work," But then something popped into my head, "Hey Darin, we already have the turkey for tomorrow, right?"

I'll pack my bags I swear I'll run, wish my friends were twenty-one

Idiosyncratic Routine

Last night the Funny Bone was unbelievably packed. Every (ok, both) Thanksgiving in St Louis is like that. There were a bunch of pros there, Jeremy Essig, Andi Smith, Arvin Mitchell, Mike MacRae and Greg Warren and some newbies, most recognizable was the little boy stripper that I had to follow back in September. Anyway, I was half-told / half-assumed there wouldn't be any room inside the show room for non-performing open micers (besides, I don't like sitting in packed audiences like that), so I decided to split with Janine Brito and do this open mic that Clayton Champagne had told me about at a lesbian bar called Novak's. We got there around 9, and it took a while (like until 10) to talk to the girl running the show. We signed up and around 11 (maybe?) Janine and I got to go on. The girl, Michelle, called Janine "Janette" when she puller her on stage, not that it mattered because no one in the entire bar really could hear us (or cared to). Janine's and my sets went as well as they could have in a situation like that; but the most exciting part about it all is that I finally found how I wanted to word my bestiality joke in order to combine it will my other porn jokes. It was funny at the time because it popped in my head and I went "Ahhhh" like I was all enlightened or something. Janine recognized the look and immediatly said "Write it down!", which I did.

The newspapers shout a new style is growing,
but it don't know if it's coming or going,

Eating it blue

Last night we had a huge crowd at the Main Street Bistro; we had at least 30 or 40 people most of whom were were really hot girls. Clayton let me MC, which was a blessing a curse. The crowd wasn't really interested in me, but we only have five comedians so I had to go kind of long. I wanted to be more conversation, but I ended up working very blue. *sigh*. Stevie P, Arash Rouhani and Gabe Kea were there and went up in that order. Clayton closed the show and I went home to sleep. Last night was one of the hardest nights I ever had. And in a way I'm thankful, and in another way would rather die that go through that again.

George Clinton, Lil Louis, Ashley Beatto, Neil Landstruum
Kenny Dope, DJ Hell, Louie Vega, Carol Lexi
Dr. Dre's in the house yeah, Omega in the house
Kevin Edmonds in the house, Jeff Mills is in the house

What was Comedy Central thinking?

Last night at LL, Kevin White asked me if I still use cheat sheets when I go on stage. That's a good question, Kevin. Last night I DID use a cheat sheet, because I had about 8 or 9 new things I wanted to try. However, two of them all but required using older jokes to get onto the topic so I didn't get around to all of them. I did a new bit comapring me-talking-to-women to doing-math-problems, and a bit about how I wish Donald Trump was Batman and lastly a bit of newness on my car. I think everything has potential, which feels really good because a couple extra minutes would rock. At the beginning of my set, Kevin yelled from the back of the room that I read something out of my blog, to which I said I wouldn't, because the audience would have to visit my website (and I plugged the website) to read my blog.
Anyway, back to the cheat sheets; Most nights I do not use a cheat sheet. However, I always have one ready just in case I blank (consider it my little security blanket, if you will). I always prepare one because creating one helps solidify what I want to do. It's like taking notes in school, if you read something and take notes, you're more likely to remember it. Some comics don't use them, which is cool, some think they're a crutch, but some think Crank Yankers is funny, so obviously opinions vary. I look at it like this; I've seen professionals tape sets to the floor so that they stay in order and on time. Todd Glass even showed his cheat sheet to the audience on his Comedy Central half-hour special.

So you see, Kevin, cheat sheets [are/are not] [good/bad] and you [will/will not] [succeed/fail] in [comedy/ice cream] if you [use/triangulate] them.

Hey kids, that's all the time I have to blog today; keep those letters, emails and questions coming and tune in next week, when I'll make even less sense.

Dog eat dog, Every day,
On our fellow man we prey
Dog eat dog, To get by,
Hope you like my genocide

If you want to live, come with me...

My usual writing posse had plans last night, so I decided to show up at Starbucks and write by myself. Being a horribly undisciplined writer, I didn't get much done. I wasn't on the list, and the coworkers I invited didn't show up, and the list had 17 people on it. I tried sitting in "my" seat in the bull pen and working on a new parady kind of song, but I couldn't concentrate. I ended up splitting out early (which I don't like doing) and trying some work on my website. Since the Internet was down (again) at my place, I wasn't able to make any major changes.

I'm walking down the line the that divides me somewhere in my mind,
on the borderline of the edge and where I walk alone.

single serving monday

Bill Davis had already left, and I was putting on my coat and grabbing my stuff when about 5 people walked into the Bristo and apathetically demanded a show. Clayton let Jeff Wesselschmidt MC, and I went up next. About 6 or so minutes in, I started my TETRIS setup. I mentioned Sam's Club, and one of the audience members says he used to work at Sams. Thank you, God. "What did you do?" I asked. "Carts and cashiered". Praise Allah. As I said that cashiering was like playing Tetris, the guy alost doubled over, and as I ran through my list of in-bulk items; the guy was laughing and seemingly checking stuff off in his head. His entire table (and therefore the entire audience) was laughing, I think if I would have started with that joke, I would have had them for my entire set. I left shortly after that, as it was late, and sadly I missed Kyle's, And Faasen's and Clayton's sets.

If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols,
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible.

yeah, I can't pronounce it either

Friday night I went to the Funny Bone to catch a couple shows. Kevin Patterson was MCing for Andi Smith and Danny Bevins. I saw both of Danny's sets, which were not only funny, but chocked full of messages, political, religious and such. I got a chance to talk to Danny for a couple minutes and he pointed me towards a writing book, by Lajos Egri. Danny also gave me some very decent advice (and this is another time where I wish I could have recorded a conversation with a pro because I probably forgot most of it two minutes after we were done talking). Probably one of the most useful pieces he gave was "always have an out". When telling a joke that the audience might not agree with, put it on someone else, like a relative or a friend. That way it's not YOU who feels such and such a way about something, it's someone you know. And you're just the messenger. I read something like that in one of the books I have, but it was directed towards premises more. The example was like this. If you say you got abducted by aliens, the audience might not relate with you. If you say you dreamed about being abducted by aliens, that's more believeable. If you say you have a friend or relative and they're so crazy they believe they were abducted by aliens, now you get your premises, a character, and if the crowd doesn't like it, you can shift the blame to someone who's not there (and possibly doesn't exist).

I got a gal, she lives on the hill,
She won't do it, but her sister will

come together right now...

I'm at work right now, which is to say I am surfing the internet. I just got done reading, Dwayne Ingram's blog, and I looked at Ken JR's blog, Jeremy Essig's notes and Greg Warren's journal. Not satisfied with having read enough by comedians, I googled "Comedian Blog" and got an overwhelming list of results. But rather than individual blogs, I mainly saw "rings" and groups of comedians who banded together, promoting each others' comedy, blogs and websites. I think that's a pretty good idea. The broadcast project Andi Smith is doing will definately help us get noticed; but I think it would be cool to spread the love once someone gets noticed.
If anyone's interested, I'd like to form a St. Louis comedians web-ring. All St. Louis (and the surrounding metro area) comedians with a website are welcome; all I ask is that you display a banner (I'll have one designed if people show interest) that links to a page that lists all the comedians (maybe with a pic and bio) in the ring and their sites. I'll maintain the page, and if we get enough people in, I'll do a randomly-selected featured comedian of the week or something. Obviously I just came up with this on the spot, so there might be some flaws in my plan, so if anyone has any suggestions, I'd like to hear them.

If anything comes between you and me,
in Heavy Metal Heaven that's where we'll meet

Physical and Mental

Yesterday afternoon I did laundry at Duds N' Suds on the corner of McKelvey and Dorsett. During the washing process, I decided to go for a jog. I ran along McKelvey towards Marine-I ran up some hills, I ran down some hills. I ran up some more hills and eventually hung a left on Marine and headed toward Westport. I got to Progress Parkway and turned around and did it all again. See, I ran Tuesday afternoon, and felt that I was really relaxed on stage. I'm wondering if the running helped relax my body (and through extension, my mind). I was more conversational on stage Tuesday and last night, I felt like I was even more so. I did about 8 and a half minutes, and felt like my presentation was good. I think that being energized from a decent workout got some sort of endorphins triggering a more relaxed me. Then again, maybe I was just dog-tired...
I also got a request last night. Some guy who plays piano at the Big Bang (a piano bar next to Laughs) said he liked my Tetris bit. He said I should do more parady-type jokes to songs. I told him about my Fraggle-Rock joke, and he said he wanted to hear it because they play that on the piano. Anyway, my set seemed good (to me, at least). I stuck around for a couple comics after the intermission, but had to head home as I was really tired and it was really late.

Birds fall from the window ledge above mine,
then they flap their wings at the last second.

a positive negative

Last night I really wasn't sure how the open mic at the Funny Bone was going to go. I've been told repeatedly that I need to relax and be more conversational on stage; and sound less like I'm telling jokes. I was scheduled 11th to go up; and while I was waiting "on deck", Dano came up to me and said that I was getting the check-drop¹. I said I liked a challenge. Dano went up, did one or two jokes and brought me up. I did both of my 'pay attention to me' jokes, the first, my make a wish, hit alright. The second, which I'm trying to tighten up did ok. I think I need to review some audio from last month so I can figure out exactly how I did at Laughs. Anyway. My set went alright, I did my Halloween joke, Ferrari, Sports and sex (which I finally did how I've been wanting to), and closed with my two porn jokes. I just now realized I forgot to work with my zoo/bestiality joke. I kind of want to pull that from one bit and put it in another. I'll loose some overall time doing that, but I think I could really turn up the power of my porn jokes.
After the show, Gabriel Kea came up to me and said I was no longer a clean comic. I said "Huh?" And he said my set was on the internet now, he was referring to the taping which Andi Smith and some guy are putting up on an open mic broadcasting website called Rooftop Comedy. I told Gabe he was wrong because 1) my porn jokes are done in a clean/semi-clean manner, and B) I'm sure I've posted those jokes online on my media page. After that, Dano complimented me and said I did pretty well for a check drop. He also said my porn jokes were good, they just needed a little tightening up. I told him how I wanted to do more dirty material in a clean way and see what I can get away with. He said that doing that would be like a double negative. As for my tone on stage, it was better, I asked a couple of comics if I seemed more conversational, but apparently it wasn't a HUGE, noticeable change because I had to ask is I seemed more conversational. Baby steps. Anyway I feel like I made progress last night and I wasn't expecting too. It feels nice.


My name plate medallion, says 'Never Trust a Hal 9000'

1. Check drop: The point in a show when the waitstaff brings the audience their bill. Generally, the audience is too busy concentrating on dividing up and paying the tab to pay much attention.

keep it down

Bad news; if you like crapily drawn pictures of me... I was emailled today by my server administrator, who feels the submissions for my most recent contest violate the rules I agreed to when I signed up for hosting through their company.
Here's an excerpt from his email, "...pictures containing nudidty, vulgarity, and otherwise inappropriate material are in direct violation with [company name removed] policy. We always have been and will continue to be afterall a professional, family driven webserver." I recieved the notice Monday at work, but do not have internet access at home (thanks, Charter) and I do not have site access at work. Thankfully, they were cooperative and did subject me to another lengthy email.
Oh well, again, for all those who submitted entries, Thanks. I'll try to come up with another contest...

He's got style, a groovy smile, and a bod that just won't stop,
when the going gets rough he's super tough
with a Hong King Phooey chop, Rah!

Cannon Vs Car: 2 to 1

I was playing Monopoly with a coworker Thursday night, "Comedy Central presents Russ Meneve" came on. Having not seen the special before, I watched it. Much to my dismay, one of the first bits Russ did was almost identical to one I've been doing for about a year, the one where I talk about getting dumped via email. I've been doing the joke since I got dumped via email. Russ's joke was extremely similar to mine, though in his, he dumps his girlfriend through email. He even uses the line "I don't what pissed her off more, the fact I did it through email, or the fact that I CC'd my new girlfriend on it". I got to talk to Jimmy Rice and Chad Huff about it Saturday at the Funny Bone. Jimmy's opinion on the matter was, if someone used it on TV, you should probably drop the bit. Chad was of the mindset that there's nothing new under the sun, and if I wrote the joke (and I did) then it's my joke. I kind of like his advice better... And since I'm not at the point where I can affordto be throwing away jokes, especially ones that work. Besides, had I not been watching TV Thursday night, I wouldn't have seen the special, and I wouldn't be blogging this right now.

Don't don't don't don't stop the beat
Can't can't can't can't Control my feet
Pe pe pe people in the Street
Come everybody and move your feet

here, in means out

There is no perfect recipe to produce a perfect performance. Comedy is not a science, and so I find myself riding this weird roller coaster dipping in and out of slumps and generally not progressing the way I would hope I am able. I'm not sure what I need to do to make myself seem more 'natural' or conversational on stage; but I'm sure that needs to happen. There's something I can't control in my presentation that I need to change. I'm toying with the idea of trying out and studying some improv at LL, in order to work on a different skill set (as they would say in professional sports). Anyway, last night at LL, the show was fun, I actually stuck around until the end. We only had about 8 or 9 comics, with an intermission thrown in the middle; at first I figured that might shake up the crowd or give people an excuse to leave, but it didn't seem to 'ruin' anything. I'm not all that pleased with my performance, I wanted to try some brand new jokes and work on the most recent batch (ie porn, internet friend) but I kept looking at my cheat sheet. I did some dating stuff and threw in Tetris because I got a cool Tetris shirt in the mail yesterday from Game Skins. I wish I would have recorded the advice that Mike Birgiglia and John Morgan had given me, looking back that stuff seems invaluable.

If life were picture perfect you could frame it,
but the world is a diaper so let someone else change it

now don't get upset...

I didn't want to pull a Paris Hilton and alarm you all, but I found my DVR today at work in the pocket of my winter coat. It's been there at least since Friday, probably Thursday. Just so you know, we can breathe a collective sigh of relieve. I haven't had a chance to check if the tracks are all ok, I'll be sure to keep you posted.

She thinks it's cool to wear eyelashes of dead foxes,
she thinks it hides the pounds

contains 10% actual juice

Last night at the Funny bone I counted twenty two people in the meeting. And I'd never seen 30% of them before. I didn't get a chance to ask, but I think a group of them road-tripped in from somewhere else, like Canada or something. Some of them were pretty funny. Before the show I ran into Arvin Mitchell and invited him to write with with myself and Janine Brito at the Starbucks.
Anyway I posted the entries thus far to my costume contest, you can check them out here. Just fair warning, none of the pictures are suitable for children, or Christians for that matter. What can I say, I have some sick friends.

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam,
Why they changed it I can't say,
People just liked it better that way

like a mummy

OK, just a couple things to wrap up, the costume contest is now officially over. I received a total of three (3) submissions. I'll rank them and post them when I get home from work. Thanks to Jarad, Anthony and Scott for playing along. I'll also post a picture of my costume from this year.
Last night I rolled by the Bistro, but the lights weren't on, so I figured they weren't having a show so I returned home to put together some of the new furniture I got. It's a short blog, I know, but I'm totally distracted by the left over bag of Reesesticks from last night. Crispy Wafers, Peanut Butter, Milk Chocolate. Enough said.

I slang on that double 9-9, Gotta find them dubs
Gonna get a forty, can a thug get love?