Je veux plus de sommeil

For some reason, my blog wants to republish itself every time I sign in. It's annoying because it takes time, and usually (like now, for instance) when I sign in it's late and I want to sleep. I wasn't on at the Bone tonight, but Janine called me to tell me she was at Starbucks a little early, so I headed over tout de suite. We bounced some ideas off each other, and I worked on some more of my Tetris C bit. I also came up with the idea of embedding it inside my A-music since that one actually has the ending to the joke. I could start with "A" switch to "C", go back to "A" and finish. Once I get "C" finished and published (either in Audio or Video) all of this might make more sense. Then again, it might not.

Thought I'd look like Henry Rollins
But I still look like Phil Collins

If you have any comments about this blog; please email me.

less than seis dolores

I showed up at the Bistro tonight a bit before 8:45 or so, and no one was there. I hung around for a bit, made some phone calls, possibly got booked for a show in May, and headed home. I tried to spend the rest of the night doing something comedy-related, but I'm not feeling too hot, so I'm going to bed now.
I'm very pleased to say (I hope I don't jinx myself here) that I have about 4 lines of my new tetris poem/song done. I'm hoping to finish it and have it memorized and rehearsed to near-perfection by mid March.
We'll see...
Also, I finally dropped some promo packs in the mail today, three to be exact. If anything comes of them, I'll be sure to post about it.

lesson learned

Tonight I went to Brentwood to the Double D Lounge for Nick Cusamano's open mic. I arrived, and Mark Morfey was there and a bit later Clayton Champagne showed up. I don't remember what time we started, Nick did 5 to 7, I ended up doing (accoring to my DVR) 18 minutes. It wasn't all "prepared" material, I bantered a bit with the audience a bit, but I felt comfortable the whole time, which was really cool, because that's probably the longest I've been on stage on purpose. The audience consisted of 5 to 10 people (some people drifted in and out of the room) but they paid attention the whole time, which was cool. Two guys kept trying to give their input (it wasn't necessarily heckling, because they wanted to help or something) and I learned something very cool (to me). Talk over them. I would deliver a punch line, and these guys would try to tag my joke, but allowing them to do that would throw the timing for my tag, so I just talked over them. And it worked. I had a total blast on stage and it's 10:30ish and I'm going to see if Tivo grabbed My Name is Earl and the Office, maybe watch them and then sleep. Woot!
Oh yeah, Clayton asked me to run the Bistro Monday, which is extremely flattering and I'm pretty excited. You should come out and watch/do some time. It'll be neat.

Faster than the speeding light she's flying,
Trying to remember where it all began

I'm not going to be at the Double D next week as I'm going to Springfield, MO, and the week after that I'm going to Colorado to relive my skiing jokes.
Just email me, already.

better than peanut butter

Tonight on the way to Laughs, I got stuck in stand still traffic for at least 40 minutes. So I wasn't in the greatest of moods when I got to Laughs at 9:15 (which was WAY later than I had planned). I wanted to go over some stuff and get my "game face" on and so on... Anyway, it turns out comedy is an extremely good way (for me) to get in a better mood. I went on tenth or so and had an absolute blast on stage. I did a comic-book joke (which was alright) the new Sams stuff that John Garrison helped me with yesterday, and I ended on my "how would you like to die" question. I had a ton of fun with that one, I think because it wasn't necessarily prepared. I'm not sure...
The number one answer when people are asked how they want to die is "doing it", "while having sex" or something along those lines. That's dumb. I'd want to die 10 SECONDS after sex. Because then you wouldn't have to cuddle. It would be like someone bringing you a fantastic steak (I love steak) with a twice-baked potato, green beans and that fancy bread and you died before you got to enjoy any of it. That would suck, right? I would want to finish every single scrumptious bite, and right when they brought me the bill DIE!.Yeah! Take that fancy-pants restaurant.

I wish I was a little bit talla, wish I was a balla

Prime Rib, medium rare..

no pressure

Finally, a decent set for RooftopComedy.com. Tonight's set was a ton of fun, though I got a little worried because I didn't see the light. Turns out Matt gave me an extra minute, which I used to do a new joke or two. The audience was good, Matt and Geoff from Big G Auto Service came out and saw the show, which was cool 'cause people actually came to see my show... Now that's a first!!!
In regards to my new Tetris joke, people say that I need to go to a Sams Club and write down the stuff I see. While there I saw that they sell these DVD three-packs. They have two decent movies with a third movie they were apparently having problems moving. I saw one pack it was "The Island", "Lost in Translation", and "Fern Gully". I would have bought it had Fern Gully not been in there, I would have even paid the same price. Anyway, it's late, and I need a quick snack. Then sleep...

If there's an emergency Sound the Horn of Urgency.
And summon the Huntsman. "Into action" is his cry!

Suggestions or rhymes for Sams club items? Email them here.

just go to a Sams club and write stuff down...

I was at the Bistro tonight, with Clayton, Kyle, Mikey and Adam. The show was pretty cool, I got to host and the audience (composed of a few noobs and some veterans). There were a couple very drunk dudes in the audience, but despite their constant disruption of my Qi, I had fun and got to play on stage. Katy (one of the regulars) requested my Tetris bit; I should really work on the "C music"...

my weekend

This weekend was pretty slow in the ways of comedy for me; Friday I dropped off my car at this auto service garage down the street from me (Big G Auto Service) and they did a great job getting my car back to a working condition after I tried to fix some stuff myself. The coolest part was when I picked up my car and the guys asked about the web decal in my rear window. I told them about being a comic and one guy recognized me and my Tetris joke. They ended up taking my picture to put on their website and they asked for a headshot for their wall and I said I'd drop one off with some passes. It's like I'm a celebrity. Granted, a really crappy, unknown celebrity, but it's a start.
Today Nick Cusamano called me about a room he has this Tuesday in Kirkwood; I don't have any more information than that, but you can call Nick at 314-852-9696. Also, he said the Double D is going to serve pizza for the comics and audience this Thursday. And since I love stage-time AND food, it should be a good time. As before Nick's looking for more people to do some time, so call him and let him know if you're interested.

Shake, shake, shake, Senora, shake your body line
Shake, shake, shake, Senora, shake it all the time

I'm lactose intollerant, are you?

Best iced-water EVER

So I headed over to the Double D to find John Garrison and Jammer Bicks already there. Nick showed up around 9-ish but there wasn't much of a crowd so we called the show and I got home in time for some quality swearing at Need for Speed Underground. I already posted directions to the place, but in case anyone cares; Next Thursday, the show'll be at 9:00pm, please be there around 8:30pm. And if you want, email me., so I can tell Nick people are coming. Please don't MySpace message me (Kevin), as I am even less able to check that at work, and I never know when I have messages since it only sends out emails saying "You have a new Message" once a day or so...
She never begs, she knows how to choose them

too tired to title

Tonight the other headlight in my car went out. Thankfully, I had a replacement (that was originally intended to replace the first one that went out). I made it to Laughs OK, and ran a couple of jokes by Kevin White that I eventually did on stage. (One was my swimming Vs. running joke from Monday's Blog. I liked them, and I think the swim V run joke may turn into something (more) fun. Anyway, the show was fun, and I split out a couple comics after my set so I could get home, blog and pass out. I've been promising directions to the Double D, where I plan on performing tomorrow so here they are:

1) From 64/40, take the Brentwood exit and head South
2) Drive on Brentwood Blvd (heading South) past the book store and strip mall on the right.
3) Drive through a stop light or two (or more?) and find the Double D Lounge at the top of the hill on the right
4) Double D Lounge Incorporated. 2219 S Brentwood Blvd St Louis, MO 63144-1803 (click for map)

1,2,3,4 Get your woman on the floor

You should come to the Double D Lounge, but I hate surprises, so email me.

Err Jordan

I headeded over to the Bistro for some Monday Night shenanigans only to find Sarah the bartender alone watching the Olymipics (womens' snowboarding, mainly) and the latest in the Bachelor reality TV series. Throughout the next hour, we flipped back and forth between the channels, and I organized some joke note cards. There was no show, although if there had been, I can assure you, I would have killed. I thought of this new joke, well, let's just say "straight to the top, baby". Yeah.
The great thing about having a blog is people sometimes comment on stuff I write; the bad thing about a blog is, I don't really do anything that doesn't go in my blog, so I usually don't haven anything to talk about that people (who read my blog) haven't already read (in my blog). On the topic of "The Joke", I've gotten quite a few messages/emails about people saying they respect me for doing the joke; maybe they think I'm gutsy, maybe they think it's funny, maybe they're just racist. I have no idea. On the other side of the spectrum; people have said such stuff as "I don't like it", "it's not your style" and "You're gonna DIE! You DEAD! You're gonna DIE!"¹. Both sides have a point. (¿). But someone else said they wouldn't say that on stage, because there's too much of a chance everything could go wrong, and there's no point in risking it. And that made sense to me; I don't want to take that kind of risks with my possible career. And besides, I seemed to have forgotten a very cardinal rule; it a joke's not that funny, you should stop doing it. So much like Michael Jordon and his baseball career, I'm going to retire "the joke" because it's not going anywhere in the long run. Like I said before, I wouldn't do it opening anywhere, and it'll be a while before I feature, so I might as well drop the joke and concentrate on new stuff.
I swimming at the gym today and I realized there's no point to it: Swimming. People who jog or run can take that training and use it; like if they get mugged, (imagine me acting out a mugger) "Gimme your money!" (now imagine me looking surprised for a split second and running away). If someone went after my wallet. (Imagine me acting out the same mugger) "Gimme your money!" (now imagine me looking surprised for a split second and then doing a sweet crawl stroke act out away from the mugger).
Hilarious, huh? I thought so too.

Night creature crawl and the dead start to walk in their masquerade

Do you like to swim? If so, email me.

1. That's a quote from Omar Epps as Malik Williams in Higher Learning

Shark Vs. Cat

Last night was the "When Comics Attack" show at the Landing. The format was very open mic-like, only each of the eight or so comics got more stage time. I took my camera in hopes of having a good enough set to add to my media page. And I'm glad I did, because not only did the batteries recently die on my DVR, but I did have a good enough set to show to the world (or the three people who read this and weren't at the show last night). I actually got an applause break, though I don't remember on which joke. As for my material, I tried all my "A" material, or the jokes I enjoy doing the most, I guess. I did a lot of "bad with the ladies" stuff, my ferrari joke, my new workout machine joke (which admittedly isn't "there" yet). I also did my new "Scooter the Cougar" bit which goes along with my college material (which sequas into my work material). I even did the old medical experiments stuff which I haven't done in quite a while. I closed on my Sam's club series, and my tampon tag got massive groans. Not the way I had hoepd to leave the stage, but as they say a groan is almost a laugh… I wish I would have had time to do my porn jokes and my drinking jokes, but I'll save those for another time. All in all, it was a very good time, I stuck around for Craig and Kevin's sets and then headed over to the Double D to meet Nick Kusamano. With the late start and my sticking around to see Kevin and Craig, it was getting late so I didn't stay at the Double D very long. They had already shifted to karaoke mode anyway. Nick said that a couple of comics had already came and went. I wouldn't mind going to that room, I think, if I had a more dominent voice to help control the room. Nick wants me to bring comics and make them show up at 8:30pm. The thing is; I think some open mic-ers only go to shows if they think they can get something out of it. For example; tons of people go to the Bone, because there you can get stage time, usually a decent sized /well behaved crowd and a show format that's organized and kind of user-friendly. But most comics don't go to any of the other open mics; why? I guess they don't feel the other open mics are worth their time (which couldn't be further from the truth). More and more people are starting to come to the Landing's open mic, but they're "new" comics, not guys from the other places I go. Why would I be able to get these comics to come to the Double-D (which is a "new" open mic with virtually no "street cred" when they don't want to go to the Landing, the Bistro or MacGuffins?). Anyway, if anyone is interested in the show next week; email me. The room obviously doesn't have the "power" to demand people call ahead or anything, at the moment, but it would be cool to know if I'm splitting an hour with Nick.

I ain't forgot about the flower deep underneath the crowded streets
Sprouting inbetween the cracks and seams and shoutin' baby

I miss my mommy

Tonight a lot of cool stuff happened, I hit the Springfield open mic with Mikey Manker, I put down an Arby's 5 for 5.95 like no one's business and I dropped both the F-bomb and Dirty-C on stage at the Landing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little over four years ago I started doing standup, it was in Columbia MO, so I literally got on stage (someplace or another) once every other month. I learned next to nothing, so I don't like to count it when people ask "How long you been doing stand up?"
Anyway, during my second year at Columbia College, I put on a show called "HaHa@Cc". A bunch of people on campus showed up to watch myself, David Wells and Justin Williams (two of the most outrageous and funny guys I've ever known) perform. Some of my relatives also showed up; most noteably my mom and dad. What I'll never forget about the evening is my mom saying something like "I know you want to do this," (meaning comedy, professionally), "but don't embarrass me, try and keep it clean". My mom passed away less than six months later. I learned later that my mom actually retold some of my jokes to her friends... She is the one and only reason I work clean on stage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I curse in real life; like a sailor sometimes; I was an English major in college and I honestly believe all words are important and valid, but everytime I get on stage and work clean, I think about my mom. And tonight I uttered the two "worst" words known to the English language. If you haven't heard "the joke" it goes like this,

"I read an article that said bad words are only bad because people haven't gotten accustomed to them. Words like the F-bomb, the dirty-C and the N-word are only offensive because people still refer to them as the F-bomb, the dirty-C and the N-word. The article said they even do it in children's books: In Harry Potter, they don't call the villian, Lord Voldermort, Lord Voldermort. They call him "He who must not be named" and by doing give his name more power."

Usually I end with "So according to HK Rowling, Lord Voldermort is a n****r". Tonight I ended with "So according to HK Rowling, Lord Voldermort is a f***ing *unt". I'm sure you can figure that out.
Here's my problem. (And I explained this on stage tonight) When I use the N-word, apparently I'm a racist. Mainly because I'm a bald white guy saying the N-word. But that's the problem. Because of my appearance, the way I look, I am not allowed to say a particular thing or do a particular thing? Now that sounds kind of racist to me. But using the F and C words is in no way shape or form "clean".

Now apparently using the F+C combonation platter tonight was way funnier than using the N-word. Or maybe it was a clean comic shocking the entire room with his vulgarity. I don't know; All I know is I won't likely use the F+C phrase again because it's not clean. I feel I can use the N-word and argue my way out of being called racist. I can't use the aforementioned vularity and call myself clean, though. And I don't want to dumb it down and say "So according to HK Rowling, Lord Voldermort is an effing negro" because by doing that, I'm going against 1) what I believe, and 2) what my joke is talking about.

So I have three options:
1) use the N-word and risk being called a racist
2) use the poopoo platter and stop calling myself clean
3) drop the joke

Different people give me different advice, like "use the N-word" or "don't use the N-word" or "cuss more often" or "stay clean". It's not like I can do that joke as an opener anyway, it could totally set the wrong mood for a professional show; but that's the edgiest, guttsiest joke I have and I like it for that.

I'm not sure if this is all pieced together the way I want, but it's 12:30am, and I should be sleeping now...

Look around you all you see are sympathetic eyes

THX-1138, why aren't you at your post?

So there was some "developers" or "designers" meeting in Starbucks situated all of three feet from the comfy comfy chair I was in tonight. Despite the overwhelming odds, I did get some quality writing done.
I didn't perform tonight, but I did keep the time and found a neat new stopwatch feature on my iPod. Lap timing is cool; but what do I know, it's 10:14 and I'm blogging in my pajamas before I go to bed while the other comics are doing 2 dollar jaeger shots...

I'm really don't like sports all that much, I've never been good, so I'm always picked last; which sadly reminds me of my sex life. In either case I usually end up watching on TV and practicing with myself...

No I don't have any change but here's a few subway tokens

Hey, tjs22655, I'm glad you read my blog and it's cool you like me, but who are you?

Drunk with a capital D-U-I

I got to host last night's show at the Bistro, and I really am not too thrilled about my set; I'd give it a C, maybe C+. It was just me, Kyle, Clayton and Stevie P. performing. I even came up with a joke yesterday at the gym and I think I forgot to do it last night (which is not fun). Sometime during Clayton's set, a birthday party of three girls came in. One apparently needed attention on a life-or-death level, so she jumped on the stage and demanded we sing her friend Happy Birthday. So, we as a bar did what anyone would do when cute girls drunkenly ask for something. We boo'd the crap out of them. The crowd demanded a joke from her so Clayton whispered the lines to Seinfeld's Airline peanuts joke. I appreciated it. Anyway, the show ran until about midnight maybe, I was tired from the gym so I split and went to sleep.

I was at the gym and got on one of the elliptical machines and it starting asking questions:
machine: *beep* Age?
me: 26.
machine: *beep* Height?
me: 5" 11.
machine: *beep* Weight?
me: Dang, I just want to jog a bit… 165lbs.
machine: *beep* Mother's Maiden name?
me: Are you serious?
machine: *beep* Mother's Maiden name? Now.
me: Arens.
machine: *beep* Have you ever been to Africa?
me: What? No
machine: *beep* Have you ever had sex with a man, even once?

Obviously that's a little too long (I'd like to drop it to a rule of three, plus maybe one tag, then again I could do a 3+1+1). I am sure I wouldn't My main concentration on the joke right now, though, is getting to it. I mean I could just say "I was at the gym and got on one of the eliptical machines and it starting asking questions" but that's a pretty weak setup as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I could just fly into it, "I was working out at the gym, I got on an eliptical machine and it was like Age, Weight? Have you ever been to Africa?" I'll see how it works if I get on tonight.

I am the chosen, I am the one

If you have any suggestions about the wording of joke above, I'd love to hear them. You could email me, it's way faster than smoke signals...

trial by midnight

Tonight I went over to the Westport Funnybone to hang out and catch the shows. Usually I get there for the 7:30, but this time I was a little late because I was watching Leon: The Professional (one of my all time favorite movies). I got there around 9-ish and hung out as usual and got to meet the Headliner Paul Mecurio, who was very funny (not Paul Mercurio, who is funny for a very different reason). Right before the midnight show started, Jeff invited me to do a spotlight. Craig Hawksley (who was MCing/featuring), opened the show, did his time and brought me up. I did my endorsements, black out, email, nervous, math (with new wording), phone sex and spanish/tires bits and closed on my Sam's club tampon bit (I didn't do the whole tetris thing because I figured it might not work with the crowd). Anyway, after the show, everyone was very complimentary; we hung out for a bit, I thanked Matt and Jeff for the stage time and I ended up giving Paul a ride to his hotel. We got lost (which is just my luck) and it took probably 10 to 15 minutes longer than normal to drop him off (which happened when I drove Tommy Blaze to his hotel too). I felt really bad because Paul has a 7:00am flight, but he was pretty decent about it. Anyway, it's like 3:36am and I need to catch some Z's.

You think it's easy playin' one nights stand then try playin' in a rock roll band

If you have any comments about this blog; please email me.

one-phay alls-ca

I got a call last night from Nick "The Whopper" Cusamano. Nick said that he has an open mic on Thursdays at The Double D Lounge starting at 9:00pm or so. He said he's been doing it for a couple months now and wondered why he hadn't seen me there. Truthfully I didn't know the room existed, and so I'm guessing that not many others know about it. So, Thursday 9:00pm Brentwood, Double D Lounge, stage time, be there, bring people/friends/crab rangoon.

I also got an email from Dwayne Ingram wanting to get in on the web-ring action. Cool. If no one would have expressed interest I probably would have cried. Anyway, if you have a website, shoot me an email, we only have infinity-number of spots open. Better hurry.

How many wrong turns can I make
I'd give a million dollars just to see her smile

Beavers and Ducks.

opening up

Adam let me go on first tonight, which was really cool. He checked out the Westport Tuesday and said he liked it, and in a spirit of moving the show along, he didn't do much time at the front of the show. So I got to go up in front of a "cold" or semi cold audience. Which I love. Honestly I love being one of the first ones up; I guess I'm a masochist or something, but the challenge of seeing if I can make people laugh is very, I don't know, good. Fun. Something. My set was composed of my [iporn] [endorsements] [april fools wedding] [nervous] [math] [racism 2k6] and [the joke] jokes. John Garrison followed me and did his (I don't know how he refers to it) 'bicycle closer'. I hadn't done my math joke in a while and I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting too close to his joke with mine. He said it was close and when I offered to work on re-wording my bit, he was cool and appreciative. Anyway, on the drive home I think I got the new wording, but it'll take a couple runs to make sure (it's hard to relearn how to tell a joke).
One thing I'm learning about "the joke" is that I shouldn't just drop the n-word and run off stage. Even though I feel I qualify/legitimize my use of the word, it kind of needs some further explanation. I like it when comics have the "I told that joke a while back" addition to a joke. Like; "I told that joke at a clown convention" because the comic is basically saying, "look, I've probably made people angrier at that joke than you are now" and then they make a joke out of it. I do that sometimes with my [one legged skier] bit, but the addition turns me into an even bigger jerk (because then I make fun of a second one-legged person). Anyway, it's super late and I need to sleep; one thing I finally got the logo for the webring that I mentioned a while back up and a page designed around it. It'd be cool if people wanted in, all I ask if you have a website or a blog and you put the logo (and link) on your front page (not on some links page buried in your site). Special thanks to Katie where I work for designing the logo. That's all I got. Night-night.

And all these guys I think they wanna fight me
And all these girls I know that they don't like me

If you have email, prove it; email me.

not a contest per se

I'm at work right now, and I was typing my usualy Happy First of the Month email to my buddy Matt and I realized I only have 59 days until April Fool's Day this year.
Now, please let me clarify everything that I am about to say; April Fool's is my favorite holiday ever. I want to get married on April Fool's Day because I think as a comedian, it's just kind of fitting. There are a few minor problems, with that though.
1) Most people get married on a Saturday
2) Not many girls would want to get married on April fool's day
3) I am single
4) April fool's day is 59 days away!!!5
5) The next April Fool's on a Saturday is in 2017 (please see figure 1a).

Now here's the thing; I'm pretty sure that any girl who would get married on April Fool's Day is probably my kind of girl. So here's the deal; if any ladies read this, Would you marry me? We've got a bit of time to get to know each other (not much, though, the clock's ticking). I seriously want to get married on April Fool's Day. If only a court ceremony. We could do the whole big fancy wedding that every girl dreams of later (at your parents' expense of course).
Ladies here are my basic requirements; I'm not too picky but these are my "deal breakers":
1) female (meaning, you are a female, were never a dude, and are not a dude trapped in a female's body)
2) over 18 years of age (16 with a parent or guardians note) (only kidding!)
3) under 40 years of age
4) no smokers
5) no "smokers" or other drug users
6) I (heart) redheads (not a requirement, I just (heart) redheads, so they'll probably get special treatment)
7) must love kids, cartoons, video games, stand-up comedy
Anyone interested in marrying me, please submit a recent (full body) photo or better yet show up to one of scheduled appearances (check my schedule here. (I'll make sure to update it as soon as I get home tonight). All photos become the intellectual property of me and I have full disclosure to post them here on on my (sigh) myspace profile. If you have any other questions, please email me.

figure1a
04/01/2006	Saturday
04/01/2007	Sunday
04/01/2008	Tuesday
04/01/2009	Wednesday
04/01/2010	Thursday
04/01/2011	Friday
04/01/2012	Sunday
04/01/2013	Monday
04/01/2014	Tuesday
04/01/2015	Wednesday
04/01/2016	Friday
04/01/2017	Saturday