I had fun

Work wasn't awesome today, but I got to dork it up a bit and write some software to make my day easier. I went running and then got some Fazolli's, they shorted me 2 breadsticks, but they probably didn't spit in my Submarino. Then I did some stuff for Gabe's Website (http://www.GabeKea.com). And then I went down to Laughs to do some comedy. I went up sixth and the audience was pretty cool. I took some advice from Tommy Johnagin and left the mic in the stand. I gripped the mic/stand near the top, but I felt really comfortable. I had fun during my set and busted out a new joke/premise that I came up with in the carride to the show. I cursed once, I think, during my set, but through the miracle of digital editting, you won't have to hear it. Click to download the audio or listen to it streaming.

Don't forget about my Guest Map and my MySpace page.

Oh Word

and I helped...

I didn't perform tonight, but I did go to the Casino (again) and ended up winning a bit of cash. But more interesting is that Gabriel Kea came over and we designed a pretty cool website. You can check it out at http://www.GabeKea.com. Don't tell Pete Lytle.

beggin' strips

I wasn't on the list tonight, but Scott threw me up anyway, you can watch my set on RooftopComedy.com. I was working on "new" jokes and some drunks talked through a bunch of my set, but I told them to shut up and I rolled through that mugg. Kevin Patterson fact-checked my Nascar billboard joke, and told me that Rusty Wallace retired last year and Kurt Busch is driving the 2-car. It's weird that a guy named Busch is driving a Miller car, shouldn't someone have caught that?

It's like a bad movie
She is lookin' through me
If you were me, then you'd be
Screamin' "Someone shoot me!"

2MNIACS (<-- license plate I saw today)

Tonight I bought a keen new wrist watch from Target so I can tell how long I've been on stage. It's super neat, I assume. I forgot to start the stopwatch when I went on at the Bistro. I did just over 10 minutes, though with some "new jokes" I'm working on. I know because I captured the set on my DVR. Or all but the last 30 seconds (it's full of other audio right now). Matt Wolff was at the Bistro, and Stevie P hosted, I went after Matt and Clayton headlined as per usual. Anyway, my set went well, we had about 15 to 20 people in the bar, which was nice. I did some "random talking" at the beginning just working on an idea or two (a high speed police chase I'm planning) and I tried a couple of other unfinished ideas at other times. I really need to start listening to my sets. Having them recorded and organized and all that isn't really doing much for me when I don't listen to myself and try to learn from mistakes and/or anti-mistakes (what's an antonym for mistake?). Anyway, I eBay'd a new DVR so it should be in soon. That'd be cool. It's quarter 'til midnight now and I needs some sleep. No Comedy at Bistro next Monday, they got their liquor license suspended (starting Tuesday) and so they're having one last blowout before they shut down for five days. Bone and Laughs as per usual. Also, the Grizzly Bear show is Friday. I'm excited.

Doing the Dance of the Digital Devil

Want to come to the Grizzly show? Cool.

For Salé

If anyone is interested in picking up a Digital Voice Recorder cheap, I have one. It's an Olympus VN-120, I've had it for over a year and it still works well. I just want to get one that connects directly to my computer. Anyway, I Googled the DVR and saw prices at about 30 bucks. I'd be willing to part with this one for 10 bucks. First come first serve. For specific details on the VN-120, visit Olympus' Website.

Audio in the Blog

I had a fun set at the Landing tonight. I followed a new-comer "D'Angel" and took my clip board on stage in order to do some pretty new jokes. I've been pretty lazy about posting audio and I know I'm bad at listening to myself, so I'm posting tonight's audio in tonight's blog. It won't embed it like that tetris file I had in here, but feel free to listen to it. We had a small crowd tonight, the new Thursday thing might prove to be really cool.

Oh yeah, I got asked to perform in a charity event on March 31st with Scott Deranger. It's at the Grizzly Bear Bar in Soulard, 20 bucks to a great cause. You can get info about the show here and here .

mental note: be funny more

Since the Laughs open mic got moved to Thursday, I decided to head over to Fairview Heights, IL. It's been a while since I've been there and lately I've been calling and trying to get a spotlight. As my luck would have it, Tommy Johnagin was featuring for Todd Yohn. Anyway, they needed an MC for the night, and I got do go on. I've not done 10 minutes in a little while, and the crowd was a little "tight" but Todd was complimentary and said my set had good flow. On the way home I saw a billboard for Miller Light and Nascar with #2 Rusty Wallace. The slogan was "Up for the Challange". Challange? Of drinking and driving fast? I think that billboard is daring people to get D.U.I.'s. Alcohol products shouldn't be able to sponsor something if being drunk doesn't help. Miller shouldn't promote Nascar or football. Miller Light should sponsor stuff like having sex with ugly people, or committing petty crimes. They could have a slogan like "Miller Light, helping you steal stuff from Walmart drunk, since 1938".

If Hip Hop didn't pay, I'd rap for free

Which is older, Miller beer or Walmart? First to answer correctly wins a cookie!

sans roomies

So for the past four or five months, my highschool buddy, Greg, has been living in the second bedroom of my condo. Greg is the little brother of my best friend, Matt (who was the other graduating member of my highschool class). In January or so Greg's fianceé Rita moved in, which was cool because she's really nice and she would cook me food everyonce in a while. They're getting married in June, and last Tuesday (not yesterday) they closed on their own house. I'm happy for them, but that means that 1) they're moving out, and 2) they're not paying me rent anymore. Please don't let that come off wrong, they were very cool and fun to have around, but their extra 300 dollars a month made them just that much cooler. I'm half-debating looking for another roommate, though I think my standards are too high. I'll run them by you
1) someone who doesn't do illegal drugs.
2) someone without a "large" and/or smelly pet (cats or dogs).
3) someone with a job.
4) someone who won't steal from me.
5) someone who loves Monopoly and owns a PlayStation2, an Xbox so I can finally play "Fable" and has a really hot girlfriend who has hot friends...

OK, Five's just a joke, but seriously I have to be careful about roommates, I've had some bad ones in the past.
For example; you ever have a roommate who gets wasted all the time and when they come home they drunkenly pee on the furniture? Me neither, but ALL my roommates have… I had a female roommate once; a friend of mine from college. People always said we were going to "hook up" and I doubted it. I told people "We're too close for that, we're like best friends, or brother and sister. Besides I asked, and she said 'No'." That sucked, you know, because she refused to… The female started getting on my nerves, we kept different hours and so all I saw her do was watch stupid reality TV, eat cake and talk to her cat. Now let me say, I didn't use to hate cats, but I do now. This cat was mean. I used to close (and lock) my door at night so it wouldn't come claw-out my eyes and crap in my mouth. Then I found out the cat liked to sleep under my bed, so when I was locking the door at night, it was just me, the cat, and NO witnesses. The best part about the cat was it's name. Cecelia Ann Tavener (Tavener being my roommate's last name). Read that again Cecelia Ann Tavener. The cat's initials are C-A-T. I guess I've only had 2 bad roommates, the "cat lady" and the one before her (another girl). I mentioned keeping different hours; she woke up at the butt-crack of dawn and went to bed extremely early. Sound productive? Errr. Wrong. All she did was get drunk, smoke and bring over different dudes all the time. She also snored, not like you would think a lady would snore… imagine if bull dozers took naps… (I have this act-out my Aunt Millie loves where I imitate the snoring, I should do that on stage again). Anyway, long story short: I couldn't live with Grandma anymore.

OK, I all I did was set up a series of disgusting habits or un-lady-like practices and then at the ending it by revealing the female in question was my grandma (it works with one's mother, too) and turn the joke around that way, but I wrote that bit literally years ago. I used to be against using the "Grandma Turn" (as I call it) but (and I just thought of this) maybe it's not the final punch (oh, grandma!) that makes it funny. Maybe it's all the setup and details that go into it. Kind of like the "Aristcrats" joke, they pretty much all end the same, but it's the stuff in the middle that makes the joke fun/original/worth while.

The taxi’s waitin’, He’s blowin’ his horn
Already I’m so lonesome I could die

Anyway, if you want to move in, fill out an application and email it over.

home before midnight

I just got back from the Bistro where Clayton let me host tonight's show for myself, Stevie P, Mikey Manker, Adam Lough and Clayton himself (that's the order in which we went up). I learned two things tonight: 1) I ramble too much on stage during extended sets, Clayton told me that, which is good as knowing is half the battle. 2) I hate watching Chapelle show with white people. The Bistro was showing season 2 of Chapelle Show (should Chapelle be possessive?, let me know). Anyway there were these hippy kids (with dred lochs and everything) repeating almost all of the punchlines. I swear if I hear another white person say that they are Rick James, I'll scream. While I'm at it, I better include the Austin Power movies, too. Just to be safe.
Anyway, the show was cool, I tried out some "new" jokes, like my "Run V. Swim", "Tredmill questions" "Onstar" bits and did some old jokes too to stretch the time. I had fun, and I made it back safely, which is almost a miracle considering how much it's snowing out right now.

But being wrong is right
So then you're good again
Which is the evilest thing of all

nerd toys

Hey guys!
You might have noticed, but I have a little map thingy over to the right of my blog (right above the archive). It will "automatically" tell me where people are reading blog from (cool, huh?). Right above that is a Guestmap where you can place a pin on a globe/map and tell me who you are and where you're reading from....
I got the idea from another blog I read KenIsAVerb. That's all I got, expect a post tomorrow as that's the Bistro and I want to try out the set I did at Laughs Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be on Tuesday and I can try out a bunch of new jokes for Rooftop. I spoke to Tom Friday at the Bone and he suggested switching up the material a bit (a suggestion I appreciate and will try out).

Baton Rouge, Lousiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital of Ohio; there's Montgomery, Alabama, south of Helena, Montana; then there's Denver, Colorado, under Boise, Idaho

cooking up some funny

Tonight I went up 12th (and last) at Laughs on the Landing. There was virtually no crowd when we started the show, but by the end we had a pretty decent group. Anyway, I did a bunch of "new" jokes, I talked about my dad's Global Positioning Satelite unit he has in his truck, I talked about my car, and how I want a Ferrari (old joke, but my favorite opener). I talked about how people keep telling me to grow hair, going to Walmart and some other stuff. I enjoyed my time, and did about six minutes. I cursed on stage, which is not cool; but I thought it would help 'capture' the emotion of the joke I was telling. It didn't.
Anyway, tomorrow may or may not be the show at the Double D lounge. I should probably call Nick Cusamano and look into it, but I might be lazy. I will go, however, if anyone reading this goes. Just call me. Chances are all 7 of you have my number.

I will survive, in my mach five,
In my mach five, I will survive.

3 whole jokes, whoa

Tonight I kept time at the Funny Bone for 17 comics and a fairly decent audience. Before that, I did some writing in Starbucks alone and tried to check out a couple of girls without seeming too creepy. Chances are, I failed...
A security guard was talking with one of the baristas (coffee makers) about a college Psychology class, specifcally "Human Sexuality". I joined the conversation as I remember my Human Sexuality class at Columbia College. Psych Three Eighty Five. PSYC 385 in the catalog. The most memorable thing about Psych 385 was we took a field trip. To an adult novelty store. I heard about the field trip before I registered from others who had taken the class and honestly, that was the main reason I took the class. (Thank God I was over 18, because there was NO WAY my mom would sign THAT permission slip...) The security guard was like "what would you learn there?". Well, the most amazing thing I learned is that prosthetic arms are actually very useful, even with the hand is all balled up in a fist (complaints can be sent to complaints@marcusisfunny.com). While at Starbucks I also text messaged Skippy the Kidd and my buddy Leroy this: "Joke-i like to buy,use, and return stuff at Wal mart. You can do TVs, VCRs and some books. But they get picky with some stuff-like toothpaste and condoms."
Skippy replied "Ha ha! Thats awesome! Me like."
Leroy said "You should add cereal to that list"
Cereal is a good item to add; and would make an "even" rule of three there at the end, but I purposefully made that a set of two because I already established a pattern with "TVs, VCRs and some books" and the Rule Of Three's (R.O.T.'s) effectiveness comes from the establishment of a pattern (items 1 and 2) and then the expected "unexpected twist" (3). But who knows the joke may work well with "cereal". It's fun to say and most people like eating it...
Anyway, I should get to bed (I have to work as usual). People at work keep asking me to grow my hair out. My boss, Karen, just doesn't understand. One time she said "I bet you'd look really good with hair." Did she think that was a compliment? Jeesh, I couldn't walk up to a girl and say "I bet you'd be really pretty if you lost 20 or 30 pounds..."
Before I go to bed. Here's some dating advice: If you have to tell a girl to stop crying more than once on a first date, you might want to rethink having her meet your parents (suggestions for a replacement punch line can be emailled to notfunny@marcusisfunny.com)

One last thing, I'm working on my new Tetris joke, and it's getting easier, especially thanks to VideoGame Musical Treasures.

Seriously, that's all for the night. Laughs (on the Landing) tomorrow.

I know I won't be leaving here with you

Waiting for 1945

I just got back from the Main Street Bistro, Gabe, Clayton and myself performed for five patrons. Usually I would have enjoyed the show and tried to deliver my material with passion, but today's been kind of weird. Two things kind of threw me: 1) I haven't been on stage since the Thursday in Springfield and 2) today's the first day I've actually doubted myself comedically. Today, for a very brief amount of time, I saw myself failing at comedy. I sent out a couple tapes a couple weeks ago and so far, no word. I know that's normal, but for a second, part of me believed it wasn't. It's very scary; I mean I like to think I sacrafice a lot for comedy: I don't drink anymore (so I don't embarrass myself anymore than usual), I don't have other hobbies anymore (video game playing is at an all time low) and I don't have a social life. I like to think I do this all for comedy, and I like to believe that hard work pays off, but every once in a while I get a little down, and today it's regarding comedy.

Awww... :(

Anyway, my portion of tonight's show was weak, Gabe had some good new bits. You should catch all 14 of his sets at RooftopComedy.com.

Only 24 hours in a day
Only 12 notes a man can play

Cocktail Hour Comedy Tour

Yesterday, I split out of work early to meet Kevin White, Mikey Manker and Adam Lough (reverse alphabetical order). We drove down to Springfield, MO to do the open mic at Sir Gregory's Laugh Castle or something. The drive down was awesome; Adam drove, Mikey had shotgun, Kevin and I sat in the back (left side, right side respectively). I don't know what all we talked about, but we stopped at a Flying J wherein I saw a video game called "Crap Land" for the X box. 15 bucks. I almost bought it, and I don't even HAVE an Xbox. Anyway, I got a 4-pack of red bull, a Skor bar and a American Classic tractor t-shrt for 10 bucks. In three weeks, you'll probably be able to get on at the Buckle...
We got to Sir Greg's and asked about the open mic and talked to a couple people, including (but not limited to): two Gregs, "Spoo" and "Spankmeister". Spankmeister was the MC of the evening, and also a radio host for Z106.7 KZRQ (I think). The Admiral went up, then Skippy the Kid, then Mikey, then myself (".Com") (<---somewhere along the roadtrip, we all got nicknames; well everyone but Mikey :( ). All of us did very well, but the Master of Shpank decided he had to comment on every single one of us. Which was pretty funny because 1) he wasn't, and 2) we were extremely funnier and more polished than the two Springfield open mic guys some young guy with braces and "Old Man Willie" (who did a bunch of "women should stay in the kitchen" "how about them queers" and such one-liners. Ahhh Novelty Acts... We also met Adam's mom, who was very cool and who let us crash at her place at the end of the night.
The Feature was Darrin Meyer, and he was also very much a one-liner comic, but the crowd seemed to like him, we didn't stick around for all of Dwight York (the headliner) because we had to meet one of Adam's friends at Buffalo Wild Wings and go to a place called "The Creek" (a bar where all the freshmen in Springfield go, apparently). At the Creek, we were as loud an obnoxious as you could expect and managed to irritate or at least comment on every body in there. I told some girl I was a hemophiliac right after I insulted her boyfriend to her face and told her I couldn't have him "jumping me in the parking lot, I could die". I think I used too many big words. Anyway we ended up getting some beer at a Brown Derby store and headed back to Adam's Mom's were we watched War Games with Matthew Broderick and fell asleep. The next day, we stopped and Lambert's Cafe (home of the throwed rolls) and then headed back home. It was an awesome trip; the four of us really gelled as a group and we're planning another trip. There's some talks of Arkansas and Louisville. It's going to be wild, I can't freakin' wait.

LYRICS

Join the Milton Crabapple fan club.

home early, time for sleep.

Tonight I gave Sean Simpson a ride to Laughs. Shawn's been at the Funny Bone for the past two weeks and I told him about Laughs and ended up letting him ride with me. Tonight was odd because there was a group of 12 women from New York sitting front row(s) stage right. And they talked through almost everyone's sets (can you say "needy"?). They talked during mine a bit, which I used to get me to my next joke (one of them asked where I worked, so I did some pharmacy jokes). I also did some new stuff (both brand new, and recently new) but I forgot the [How to Die] joke, which I wanted to work on... Anyway it's not like I amazed everyone with my comedy prowess, but they listed to the majority of my set they listened (and laughed). Tomorrow's the road-trip to Springfield, MO with Adam Lough, Mikey Manker, and Kevin White (in alphabetical order (by last name)). It should be fun, though I'm worried about the club from what Doelling's told me about. Nothing truly heinous, just that there might not be an open mic (just depending) or we might not get on... (I called and talked to someone, and that's apparently a possibility). Then again; it's going to be a story to tell.

It all comes back to you you’re going to get what you deserve.
Try and test that, you’re bound to get served.

I don't want you to email me.