Mmmm

Public Sub Talkaboutnight(Funny as variable, jokes as variable, audience as variable)
Tommy Johnagin called me while I was at work this afternoon and said he was already at Starbucks working on jokes and waiting for the open mic. I showed up as soon as I could and Tommy and I worked on some jokes and talked about getting booked, using profanity and racial slurs and about how jokes usually have a victem, whether it's apparent or not (when we weren't being interupted by Brian O'Neale's phone calls, that is). It was really cool to sit down with Tommy because he's not always around and so I didn't feel like I was pitching the same old jokes to him. One point Tommy brought up was; if you wouldn't do a joke during a paid set, why do it? This was in reference to [the joke] where I drop the "n-word". Tommy had a good point, but I look at it like this; I couldn't do that joke as an opener or an MC, it's too edgy and could set a bad tone for the rest of the night. However, I would do it if I were featuring (and of course, if I could tighten it up just right) because I feel I would have more time to establish the credit needed with the audience to pull it off. Tommy did convince me to bring back some jokes that I had written off as too mean, which is cool because I think I can deliver them and still have the audience on my side. My goal is to remain a clean comedian, but I'd really like to see what I can get away with while sticking to that (and remaining the "lovable loser") Can I talk about porn and get away with it? Probably. Racism? It'd be tricky. Can I be a jerk and have people think I'm the victim. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot to find out.

I knew right from the beginning
That you would end up winnin'

I'm not allowed to do personal email at work anymore, so if you email me, I might not answer immediately. Sorry.

End Sub

today's phrase is "tighten-up"

I got a call yesterday, three actually because I couldn't answer my phone (and one email because) from Matt and Scott at the Funny Bone asking me to host industry night with Andi Smith and Jimmy Dore. Naturally I called as soon as I got the messages and agreed. When I showed up, Matt told me to do five to seven (but I missed the light completely and ended up going over); and I kind of screwed up Andy's intro (I fumbled over the words Comedy Central Live Tour). My set felt really good, I think my energy was high and I didn't have to look at my set-list. I did my [Racism 2k6] and my [One-legged Skier] bits and Matt said that that might have been too mean on stage as an opening act. He said some people got uncomfortable when i said "black people and slant eyes". So I'm thinking of changing it to "immigrants and homosexuals". If I twang up the accent a bit, I should be able to get away with the joke and not upset anyone. Every time I work, I learn more about the differences between opening and open-miking. Jimmy had some cool advice to give; I ask a lot of questions on stage ("you guys ever been dumped?" "ever been to a Sam's club?" et cetera), Jimmy said that's like asking permission to tell a joke.
Me: "Hey you want to hear about this?"
Crowd: "No"
Me: "Crap"
At the end of the night, Matt told me to get as much MC work as possible, and since my headshots from ABCPictures just came in, I'm going to send out some give-me-work-as-an-MC packages.

After the Bone, I headed over to the Bistro, where I did about 20 minutes on stage, kind of blue. I played with the audience a bit, and didn't feel real nervous doing it. I was late getting there and Stevie P said that he was afraid I was in an accident (cause I was late) which is a weird compliment. Anyway, I have a couple things I want to do before I send out packages, and knowing my self-procastination, it's going to be a struggle.

I am just a new boy, stranger in this town

I'd kind of like to take a census, so if you can read this, please email me.

Happy something or other...

Apparently this is my 250th post; I haven't gotten around to talking about Wednesday, which was a good night, stage-wise and shop-talking-wise. I found a website that converts pictures to text. Kind of neat... Here's a picture of me!

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lead to gold

Last night I was not on the list at the Funny Bone. I showed up at Starbucks, got my Venti Hot Chocolate, and worked one "The Joke" until Janine and Rob Durham showed up. I'm getting really into transference; that is, during a joke instead of claiming something is my opinion, or that a thought originates with me, I blame it on someone else. For example, my joke I now call [Racism 2K6]; I used to say "You know phrases like 'It's 2006, end racism?'". No one wants to hear a bald white guy talk about racism, especially when he brings it up. But if someone else expressed an idea or did something odd, like "I went home for Christmas and the mayor of my home town announced 2006 to be the year to end Racism in Mexico, MO." Now I didn't bring it up, per se; and so the audience (who probably won't notice) will be less likely to get offended. Rob changed one of his jokes using this principle, and if you're reading this, chances are you've heard him tell the joke. If not, you can visit RobDurhamComedy.com and ask him to tell it to you or something.

I used to think the idea was obsolete, until I heard the old man tapping his feet

If you have any comments about this blog; please email me.

Upgrade!

I left the office Friday at about 3:00pm and headed east-northeast to Springfield IL, where I was opening for Chris "Boom Boom" Johnson. Neither Don nor Don Jr. were there this weekend as Don's daughter was getting married in Ohio. A guy named Arlinus stood in for Don, he was pretty cool and did a good job. My set for the first set Friday was a little shaky, though the audience members were nice after the show and said I was funny; Springfield and Bloomington are great for that. I got back in the swing of it by 9:30. Second show Friday and both shows Saturday were absolutely awesome as far as I'm concerned. I was really energetic on stage (first Friday I was more laid back) and I adlibbed a lot of emphasises (-5) and had an absolute blast. I changed up material for each set (my set-times were about 13min, 15min, 9 min, 9min). Both shows Saturday were sold out, which was freakin' sweet and was why those two sets were shorter. I can only think of a couple jokes I didn't do, some of my "newer" ones (I feel) really came together this weekend, for example [iPorn] and [Racism 2K6]. In short, it was an awesome weekend, and Friday night I got more than 6 hours sleep, which hasn't been happening at home thanks to my work schedule...

NASA wants you back and the Bush Twins want you back,



Ladies, if you think I'm cute, just find me after the show or find a sponsor, you've probably had too much to drink...

the trouble with tribbles

Last night I went down to the Landing, and tried to work out the kinks on a new joke. I was slated for about 14th or so, but Adam Lough mentioned that some guy on stage looked like me (only with a full head of hair). He was like "remember this guy when Marcus comes up" so I yelled for him to bring me up then. He did, and I did roughly the same set I did Tuesday, only I concentrated and got some laughs. Instead of closing with my "edgy" new racial commentary, I did that and went into my [2006 Racism] bit, kind of as a way of defending myself. Because I was on the topic, I closed on my [Black name]. Talk about mixed messages.
There were a ton of noobs last night, which was cool, but I heard there were like 27 people on the list. I made it until about 10:30 and then had to split out. I did catch the sets of some friends, which is cool because usually I wimp-out before they go on.
The funniest thing (to me) was when one of the noobs did a Seinfeld joke. OK, that wasn't funny per se but what was funny was my and Clayton Champagne's ideas to do Seinfeld bits on our own. Clayton did the "What's the deal with airline peanuts" bit, and so did I (because 1) I followed pretty closely to Clayton, and people would have to realize I was copying Clayton and 2)I don't know many Seinfeld bits (I know, bad comic! bad!)). I think a couple of the other comics planned on doing that too, but I have no idea. Just to be clear, we weren't making fun of the kid (to his face), and I don't think the crowd caught on, so my conscience isn't that guilty.

I said, lord, take me downtown,
I’m just lookin’ for some tush.

If you have any comments about this blog or know what the trouble with tribbles is; please email me.

blah diddy blah blah

Last Tuesday I told Tom Milster that if I got on stage I was going to take my camera on stage with and would record my set that way. I don't know why I said that, maybe it was the Venti hot chocolate from Starbucks, maybe the pressure of being so good looking has finally gotten to me. Anyway, I said it, and for I for some reason I like to put my money where my mouth is. It usually provides at least a little entertainment (for me and/or others) although usually at my own expense. The best example of this happening in my life was my third year in college. For some reason I told people I was going to walk from St. Louis to Columbia over spring break. Long story short, I did (or rather I attempted) it. I made it 30 miles eating nothing but peanut butter with a spoon before my feet looked like ground hamburger. So last night I was at the Funny Bone and I was on the list, and I took my camera on stage with me. I held the thing at arm's length in my left hand for my set and tried to keep myself in frame, but I didn't want to acknowledge the camera too much. At one point I just looked at the camera and winked or something; which the crowd kind of liked. Sadly my material (mostly new) suffered because of my little stunt. Especially my closer for the evening, which was a continuation of my racism joke I posted earlier in which I drop the N-word. The actual N-word. I didn't get the response I wanted (which would be laughter), in truth I didn't get any real response. Unless you count silence. I bailed almost immediately, I have no idea how much time I did. In retrospect, I should have done one more bit, just to pretend like nothing happened. Just go into "So you guys ever beento a Sam's club?". The whole situation It was kind of anti-climatic, because I was extremely nervous about the joke, and was trying to memorize a very precise combination of words to rattle off before the big punch, but I didn't get it right (as is often the case with new jokes). I'm not saying I wanted trouble or for people to yell at me, but I was ready for it, I mean I figured someone would misunderstand me, and I was going to take whatever happened and try to use it on stage as a defense. In any case, no one got upset, and some people said that I had a lot of guts (or some other body parts) to try that bit. I'll try it again sometime (I'll work on tightening it up a ton) but probably go sans camera.

I can't see me loving nobody but you

If you don't email me, I just might cry.

The everyone-makes-fun-of-how-early-I-wake-up-but-they-leave-my-blog-alone tour

Wow, so apparently I haven't blogged in a week; well I wasn't on stage Tuesday; And Wednesday I ended up babysitting my godson Jacob and I was too tired afterwards to make it to Laughs. When his mom dropped him off she said "You remember the rules, right?" I said "Of course, no bright lights, don't get him wet, no food after midnight" and she replies "Retard, that's Gremlins" so she put the six year old in charge, but it was cool because he read me a story and totally tucked me in.
Last night I went to the Bistro, where we had a smaller crowd that usual (can you imagine?). I got to host, which was pretty cool because the crowd was actually attentive, and I wanted to try out some new stuff I've not worked out yet and refresh some old stuff that's been shelved for far too long. I had a lot of fun, and Clayton said I am getting better at hosting; he said I used a lot of "I" statements on stage, saying stuff like, "I'm bringing a funny guy up", "They're a friend of mine", "I got this wart from her" and so on. I didn't know that phrases like that can keep you less distanced from the audience. Nikki, Gabe, Stevie P, Kyle, Clayton (of course) a guy I never met named Jeremy Powers, and Matt Wolff were all at the show and it was alot of fun. Since I was hosting I stayed for the entire show. Everyone had really good sets, despite the crowd size. By Clayton's set the crowd had dissolved to one girl at the front table and maybe a dude (The comics were still in their seats, but they don't count). Anyway, some punk kid came in and Clayton as the manager of the bar carded the kid (who at first had no ID, then later tried to use a highschool Senior picture or something, I think he claimed it was a Military ID because there was an American Flag in the picture. I should fact-check that story...). Anyway, eventually we put his staying to a vote, Roman-style. Thumbs-up he got to stay, thumbs down, he had to leave. Almost everyone voted to boot him out, which was funny, until he got mauled by a stray tiger outside the bar.
But the real excitement of my week came home with me Thursday in the form of an iPod. I got the video iPod, 60 gigady! I mean gigabytes. I haven't figured out how to put porn on it, but I will. Can you imagine the party shuffle I'd have then? People would walk up, "Hey man, what do you have there? Is that the PussyCat Dolls?"
Close.
Back to the fact
I'm the mack and I know that
The way I kick the rhymes, some would call me a poet

Do you like me? Check [_]Yes or [_] No.

who is Tyler Durden?

Last night I dropped by the Main St Bistro, rumor has it they have an open mic on Mondays. I met a couple comics, a guy named Clayton, who was running the show, a girl named Nikki, a dude named Matt and an old guy named Bill. There was another comic (with a mohawk) that hosted, but I didn't get to meet him. Nikki, the girl, said she liked really liked the self-deprecating set I had the Wednesday before; which made me a little awkward since I just move to St. Louis. I played along so as not to offend...
Anyway, my set was kind of weird, I ended up talking about shoes for a bit. I also talked about racism for a bit. As a young chinese man, I've always felt a little cheated by the rest of white culture. People sometimes say stuff like It's 2006, "It's 2006, it's time to end racism". That's stupid. Anytime is a good time to end racism. It's not like there was some count-down where guys in hoods were like "3...2...1!!! OK Everybody, off with the sheets, Earl put out that crucifix, it's 2006!" I mean a hundred years ago were people saying "It's 1906, only a hundred more years to hate darkies and slant-eyes, let's go!"
I have more to say on that topic, but it's really not something you can read and 'get'. I'll do the whole thing next time I'm on stage. Maybe I'll talk about babysitting, my new iPod and how much my parents wanted me to become a doctor. "Oul son a comedian, we so angly!" Maybe I should just leave that to Margaret Cho...

Feel it as if I've been cursed...

It's late and I have to be up in six hours to go to work, there's some sort of comedy in Springfield, Illinois. If I'm not too tired or busy I might go.

No Wednesday blog

Yesterday I was super busy at work, and so I didn't get a chance to blog about Tuesday at the Funnybone, but I wasn't on and I'm kind of out of it, so I don't remember much about it. Buzz Sutherland hosted, and the crowd was kind of flat throughout the entire show. I would have liked to get on, but I always would like to get on stage...
Last night I went to the Landing. The Landing's comedy atmosphere is very weird to me; somethings are funny there that aren't funny anywhere else, and things that are funny other places fall flat there. It's like like another dimension; but having recognized that, I've decided to exploit it as much as possible. Last night I got on stage and just talked. I like doing that at the Landing. It's like therapy, I really get to open up and talk about myself, and occassionally I'll throw in an existing joke if it relates. Last night I talked about my plans for New Years Eve and how boring/crappy it (they?) was (were?). Later, a bunch of people said that it was really funny. I didn't see it at the time, but I'm starting to see that when people know and can relate to me, they'll see the humor in the tragic things that happen to me. That's 100% what I want to do; have people laugh at me because they feel close enough to me to be comfortable doing so. That and make lots of moneyin the process.
For New Years this year I went to a party with my buddy, Leroy. At the party, there were about 8 other dudes, all Leroy's coworkers from Sams club. So I didn't know anyone there really. There were also 2 whole females (Sausage party). Add to that the Ultimate Fighting Championship marathon on Spike TV and you've got a recipe for me falling off the wagon. The highlight of my evening was when the guitars got busted out and everyone got to play their favorite Green Day song. Badly. This New Year's party was not even close to the fun I used to have when I drank; granted I don't remember any of those nights, but they had to have been fun, right?

La la la la la la, la la la la la

If you want to tell me something about my blog, you could either make fun of me on stage at Laughs on the Landing like everyone else or you could email me.

Booo 44

Last night I didn't figure I'd make it to the Bistro because I went to the Blues/Canucks game; however the comedy Gods shined upon me and I got home at about 10:30pm and was feeling quite energetic after the 4-1 win for the Blues. So I went over to the Bistro, where Clayton Champagne was on stage. Matt Wolff was in the audience, and apparently that was it (comics-wise). There were about 30 or 40 audience members, including one very drunk guy who ended up being part of Clayton's show (Clayton ended up talking to this guy for the better part of 10 minutes). My set was normal for the Bistro, I plowed through my material, tried playing with the audience (only a little) and busted out my Medical Studies bit, which I haven't tried in quite sometime. After my set, I was talking to Clayton about the Bistro, and said the performing at the Bistro was the same as working out at the Gym. It's a tough room, but if you can get comfortable with it, and more importantly if you can make an audience that isn't paying attention pay attention (and laugh, of course) then you're going to have an easier time with the audiences at real venues (like the Bone). I also asked Clayton about "going to the audience" and he advised me to come to the Bistro sometime with nothing prepared. I should just get up and talk to the audience, and if I run out of topics, ask "what do you want to talk about?" and see what I can come up with. He said it's good experience and you may come up with a joke or two. It sounds pretty scary to me, but I'd like to give it a try.
Lately I've been doing Medical Studies, which is a pretty fun way to spend a weekend, their slogan should be "Come for the money... Stay for the side effects". My favorite side effects are Confusion, Disorientation and Drowsiness. Every once in a while you'll end up in a study with a "Remote risk of seizure", or as I like to call it "Best weekend ever". Some people think that's weird, but I'm not the only one who does these studies. There are thirty, forty, even fifty people in the same room as me. Some of them are females, and some of them are suffereing from Confusion, Disorientation and Drowsiness. It's like shooting fish in a barrel...

Light of a silhouette
He's insubordinate

I've posted more than a couple of my bits in this blog, if you plan on stealing them or using them on stage, please email me.