Now Here in Nowhere

I would have typed this blog Friday at work, but apparently I had some major projects to finish by the end of the day. Work is seriously starting to get in the way of comedy, don't they know I have responsibilities? Geez!
At the Forum, Tom Milster told me of a show that Mark Lacer was doing Thursday, and said that if he was feeling under the weather he would need someone perform for him. I gladly accepted and wrote down the name, address and phone number of the place, Captain Jack's Tiki Bar. I called and asked for directions, and some bartender (Mike, I think) gave me the absolute worst directions I've ever heard, which included the phrase "there's no sign, but you need to turn left there". When I got home, I jumped on Google and followed street by street his directions and wound up somewhere over in East Jesus. Anyway, I missed the show, which is disappointing because I wanted stage time and I feel bad for any problems I may have caused by my absence, I don't know how long of a show Lacer said he would deliver...
Anyway, I did wind up home safe and somehow a McDonald's Big N Tasty and two orders of fries found their way into my stomach. MMmmm.

The night is beckoning although I have nowhere to go but home

Para mis amigos y amigas

I heard a story about Abraham Lincoln once, he was in a type of debat and his opponent talked for what was probably hours. When it was Lincoln's turn, he used only a minute to say something to the effect of "You're tired and hungry, go home, have a good day and when the election comes, think of me". I'm probably ruining the speech, but I think Lincoln knew he would be wasting his efforts on an audience that had heard enough.
I was at least 15th in line at the Forum last night and didn't end up getting on stage til 10:30 or later, and after seeing 1 huge bare stomach, two enormous butt cheeks (belonging to the owner of the stomach) and half a dozen guys eat it, I wasn't too thrilled of trying my prepared material and watching it fail. Sometimes most times I love a challenge like that, and in the past, the forum has seen some of my best work (I used to love following someone who died before me). But last night I was tired and I knew I had to wake up and go to work an hour early today, so I pulled a Lincoln. I got up, did one joke, got no laughs, and I left. It took about 62 seconds, with Clayton Champagne's intro. I have to admit, my wording was a little off, and I was probably a little nervous; I didn't want to seem like I was insulting the Forum, but I wanted to do a little performance art, if you will.
Anyway, as I was leaving, the owner, Matt, saw me and seemed kind of excited that I was back at the Forum. I explained that I had written new jokes and was hoping to do better now that the audience had gotten fresher. It was kind of weird because I have a hard time reading people, especially owners, managers and bookers. Anyway, there's another show in 2 weeks and then the competition (which I already gave my entry fee for) which will be limited to 25 comics. That'll be the day before Thanksgiving; hopefully I can scrounge up some people to come watch me. *wink* *wink*
I've been drifting along in the same stale shoes
Loose ends tying the noose in the back of my mind

Oí una historia sobre Abraham Lincoln una vez, él estaba en un tipo de debat y su opositor habló para cuál era probablemente horas. Cuando era vuelta de Lincoln, él utilizó solamente un minuto para decir que va algo al efecto de "usted tiene cansado y hambre, a casa, tiene un buen día y cuando viene la elección, piense en mí". Estoy arruinando probablemente el discurso, pero pienso Lincolm sabía que él estaría perdiendo sus esfuerzos en una audiencia que había oído bastantes.
Era por lo menos décimo quinto en línea en el Foro ayer por la noche y no terminé encima de conseguir en etapa hasta 10:30 o más adelante, y después de ver 1 estómago pelado enorme, dos mejillas enormes del extremo (que pertenecen al dueño del estómago) y la mitad de los individuos a la docena lo comen, me no emocionaron también de intentar mi material preparada y de mirarlo fallar. La mayoría de las veces I ama a veces un challange como eso, y en el pasado, el Foro ha visto algo de mi mejor trabajo (amaba el seguir alguien que murió antes de mí). Pero ayer por la noche era cansado y sabía que tuve que despertar e ir a trabajar hoy temprano de la hora, así que tiré de una Lincoln. Me levanté, hice una broma, no conseguida ninguna risa, y me a la izquierda. Tomó cerca de 62 segundos, con la introducción de Clayton Champán. Tengo que admitir, mi fraseología era poco apagado, y era probablemente un poco nervioso; No deseé parecerme como insultaba el Foro, pero deseé hacer un pequeño arte del funcionamiento, si usted . De todas formas, como me iba, el dueño, Matt, me vio y se parecía clase de excitado que estaba detrás en el Foro. Expliqué que había escrito nuevas bromas y esperaba hacer mejor ahora que las audiencias habían conseguido más frescas. Era clase de extraño porque tengo una gente dura de la lectura del tiempo, especialmente dueños, encargados y bookers. De todas formas, hay otra demostración en 2 semanas y entonces la competición (para las cuales di ya mi honorario de la entrada) que será limitado a 25 tebeos. Ése será el día antes de Thanksgiving; esperanzadamente scrounge de la lata encima alguna gente a venir me miro * guiña * * guiño *
Viajo sin rumbo fijo en mis botas viejas.
Cabos sueltos enlazan a mi cabeza.

ups and downs

Last night was amateur night at the Funny Bone. :)
but I was not on the list. :(
Two guys who were on the list didn't show up. :)
but I still was not on the list. :(

I got out of work late, so I had to skip dinner. :(
but on the way home I got a $1 Big N' Tasty and 2 orders of Fries. :)
Before the show, Scott told me to keep time until he got to the back. :)
but Kevin Patterson showed up, so they didn't need me. :(
Kevin said he didn't mind if I sat back there anyway. :)

Tim Heeley has an "outie". :&

Your construction, Smells of corruption, I manipulate to recreate,
This air to ground saga, Gotta launder my karma

Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the effort

Monday at the Bistro, we didn't have much of an audience, but Clayon asked asked if we (Andy Faasen, Jeff Wesselschmidt, myself and a guy named Duke) if we wanted a show. We did. While Clayton was up, about 8 people walked in, which brought us up to about 12 audience members. Some of them didn't pay attention, but a couple did, including one guy who was so wasted he was laughing at setups and premises; it was weird.
Me: Halloween is my favorite holiday
guy: Bwahahahahaha!
Me: As a kid, candy was the best part
guy: woo who who who!
Anyway, I did about 8 minutes, including a bunch of the newer stuff I've been working on, and some random stuff that either tied in (holiday stuff) or just popped in my head. I watched Faasen's set and part of Jeff's but then I had to go home and get my beauty sleep. Ahem.

We play the game for keeps and if you slipped I guess you sleep

playing it safe

I went to the Bloodhound Gang concert, I got lost on the way to Laughs on the Landing because the Broadway exit was closed. I went to the show. I went home.

the sincerest form of flattery

Last night at the Funny Bone I tried a culmination of almost all the new jokes I've written in the past three months; I did Halloween, Tease, Ferrari/Carolla, Internet Friend, Porn1 and closed on Porn2 (I'm putting those there for my benefit, incase you don't know what they mean). I went up about 11th, which is the latest I've been up in quite some time, and I am very happy because I didn't have to use the cheat sheet I took up on stage. However, I did go over time a bit, (4:25 according to the DVR) which I don't think has happened in a while. I tried the new porno joke (called Porn2 above) which I actually posted yesterday. I think I rushed it because I knew I was going over; I really like it, and since it's not graphic, I think I can get away with it and still be considered a clean (PG13) comic. I realize pornography is not exactly a "clean" subject, but I like seeing what I can get away with, and I've already got clean porn, bestiality and cock-fighting jokes. I would really like to be a dirtier "clean" comic and try to push the envelope, but at this stage of the game, I'm not sure if anyone would realistically notice. After me was a guy from New York who said I looked like the Yellow Guy from Sin City. He wasn't the first to say that; which is kind of depressing. Other comics have said I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I just can't get a break, I guess... being compared to two of the ugliest movie characters since that guy, Vigo, from Ghost Busters II.
A note off topic for a sec, I mentioned the other day how I read Essig and Warren's blogs; I was on Andi Smith's website and reading her short stories, which she describes as bits that never made it on stage, which is where I got the gumption to try blogging the porn joke below. I really wish I would write text funny, where the words of a joke or story are chosen so well that you the humor isn't lost. Maybe adding a bits every once in a while will help with that. That's the same reason I started the Bucket of Fishcomic, to try to learn how to write in a three-cell format. We'll see how I do.

And if words were wisdom I'd be talking Even more

my weekend

This weekend I went to a bachelor party in Columbia, MO. Before the "festivities" (it's in quotes for a reason) a couple of us stopped at the Olde Un Theatre, a pillar of the Columbia porn industry. While there, I realized that porn is honest and Hollywood is dishonest. Look at the names of Hollywood movies. The titles don't tell you anything. But in porn, it's completely different. I know exactly what I'm in for when I (hypothetically) rent Black Girls Who Ride the White Meat.

The elves snuck in my cobbler's shop and busted me some treats
But the boots they left is not the kind that you puts on your feets

Oh-a-oh

I spent last night watching Tivo'd episodes of Inu Yasha and editing video from the trip to Bloomington. I uploaded my set, you can get to it through here or you can go directly to it from here. I also got Janine's video finished and output it to a VHS tape. I'm 90% of the way done editing Ken JR's, I just have to "process" it or "compile" it, or whatever my video software calls it.

Lying awake intent at tuning in on you

negatives and no proof

Friday I emailed Tiffany Las at the Springfield Funny Bone about their monthly competition. She said that no one had yet signed up, and so there was room. I asked around the Funny Bone, and Janine and Tom were interested. On Wednesday, Janine called me and said she was sick and wouldn't be making the trip. So I got on 270 and drove into Illinois looking for Troy, IL to meet Tom Milster and Stevie P at the Cracker Barrell, like I did last time with John and Jammer. (I didn't realize it until about 8pm, but last time I drove in, I tool I-70 because we picked Jammer up at the Airport.) Because I get lost easily, when I got on 55 in Illinois, I headed north, thinking Troy would be about 10 to 15 miles away. About an hour later, I had left a couple messages on Tom's cell, and called a couple other comedians looking for Stevie's cell number. No dice. Anyway, around mile marker 60, I realized; if I call 411, ask for the Cracker Barrell in Troy, IL I can ask what exit they're on. (So I did that). I think I will remember for the rest of my life, that the Cracker Barrell in Troy, IL is on exit 18. When I arrived at the Funny Bone (alone) I checked in with Tiff and explained the situation. Moments later Tom called and I told him what had happened. I said I was the only comic there (eventually, CW, who was at Westport the night before, and a guy named Tim, who has been at previous Springfield shows, showed up) and Tom congratulated me on winning. Tim decided he didn't want to go on, so Tiff refunded CW's and my entrance fees. Both Don Sr. and Junior were there; and Don said we could still do some time. Since Don had seen me Thursday, I didn't want to repeat myself, so I did the new jokes I did last night and some dating material. I didn't record myself because my DVR is full. And so naturally I worded a joke differently (and I liked it) and can't remember what I did. CW did some time, but Tim was busy talking to me, so I didn't have a chance to pay much attention. Well, by 7:40, I was back on the road heading to LL back in St. Louis. I got there and they told us we were going to wait for Craig Gass who was at Westport the night before. The show started after the Cardinals game ended, and Adam was hosting as Ken JR had previous engagements. Gabe Kea, Kevin White and I talked shop for a bit, I really don't remember what about, I can't say I was paying attention. I do remember giving the "but that's only my opinion" disclaimer at least once. When the show, a very inebriated Adam did some time and pulled me up first, and I have to say, I did rather well, considering the crowd size. I mean, we actually had about 10 to 15 non-comics, and I did 2 of the 3 new jokes I'm working on, and a bunch of other crap. Again, I couldn't record, which is unfortunate because I pulled out a throw-away/get-the-audience-to-respond-more line that I've been working on. I also did my dumped-by-faking-her-death story; which I did once or twice before. I really like that bit, in my mind it's all zany and weird. Sadly, on "My Name is Earl" Tuesday (I Tivo'd it), the entire episode was about how Earl broke up with a girl by faking his own death, and then he had to admit to her he was alive. I hate it when that happens. Anyway, I stuck around to the end of the show and got home around midnight.

You drive your car to work, I'll take my board

three for three

Since it's October, I figured I should get off my bum and try out my Halloween joke. I actually worked on it in the workshop back in July and August and have never tried it on stage. I was kind of afraid of how the whole joke would play out; but I found a couple sentences that really do what I want. I mean I can provide the setup information with as little verbiage as possible and still move to the next sentence without an abrupt change in my train of thought. Also, part of the joke relies on an act out (not my specialty) so I was worried about how that would look. Other than my make-a-wish that was my first joke last night, and it worked pretty well. I also tried two new bits out last night, one about my first trip to a gay bar, and the other a joke about me and the ladies. The first joke is alright, I'm happy with it, and it's got a decent little turn, I feel. The second probably won't work as a stand-alone joke. If I sandwich it in with all my other dating material, it'll probably hit better with the audience. I did end up doing some of it ([Email], [Sports and Sex], [Lotto Tickets]), but I led off with the new thing, which probably wasn't a good idea. That's alright, though, because I tried three new bits last night, and all of them made it to the second round. None of them sucked so bad I wanted to never do them again, and really that's a pretty good feeling.

I don't understand how a heart is a spade,
but somehow the vital connection is made

11:03am
Oh yeah... there were two things I wanted to mention that I forgot. The first is that during my Halloween act out, I know I spit on these girls who were in the front row. It wasn't a huge amount of saliva, but I saw it leave my mouth and I noticed the general direction it was heading in, and there could have only been one result...
The other is this; After the show, I was talking to a comedian and he said liked my new material and then said "I can see you doing this". I asked if he meant he could see my bits actually happening to me in real life, and he said no, actually doing comedy, professionally. I was floored. There are only a handful of people who have vocally said they believe in me and think I'll make it, and it was really cool to hear someone new say it.

/\/0 5|n|0\/\/

From what my sources tell me, last night there wasn't a show at the Bistro. There was supposed to be one, but a key ingredient (ie the audience) was missing. Clayton, myself, Bill Davis and Jeff Wesselschmidt (sound it out) were more than ready to provide a show for an audience, but like in math where you can't divide by 0, you can't perform for no one and have it work. This Wednesday is the Springfield show, and according to Tiffany, they don't have anyone signed up yet. Janine, Tom and I will be road tripping up, so it might be a waste of time, or it might show the Springfield people what kind of dedication (and lack of anything better to do) we have. Anyway, I'm on tonight at the Bone, and I'm hoping to break out a couple new jokes, even though they're probably not really ready.

More Than Ever Hour After Our Work is Never Over

Sleepin' on the Flo'

Thursday, Janine Brito, Ken JR. and I drove up to Bloomington, IL for their college night. Janine and Ken have done College night before and spoke very highly of it. The way it works is; the club has three to four 'openers' who do 5 to 6 minutes each. Then they have the headliner perform. Don Bassmore, the owner, serves as an MC and does some announcements and joke-jokes between the comedians. Don didn't do much in the way of joke-jokes before I went up, but mainly announced some drink specials, so I went up in front of a "cold" audience. Instead of opening with my standard [Make a Wish], I asked where the seniors were at. I started with my college material (which I did Tuesday) and went into my work/getting fired stuff. The audience was very cool, and I got some very decent laughs. What makes me the most proud is, as nervous and excited as I was on stage, I didn’t rush. And I knew at the time I wasn't. I got off stage feeling like a million dollars. Janine and Ken both had good sets (Janine asked me to bring up my video camera and tape her, so I taped myself, and Ken asked me tape him as well). I'll try to put my video up soon, as I haven't taped in a while... Anyway, after the show, we headed over to a bar called Flap Jacks or Flat Jacks, or something. It was cool, and afterwards, we got some college kids to let us crash in their living room; Janine and Ken got a loveseat and couch (respectively) and I got the floor. Needless to say, I slept like crap. But we got McDonald's breakfast the next morning, and drove home. It was an awesome road trip and I ended up taking a four hour nap Friday afternoon, which if you ask me is a pretty good way to start a weekend.

The kids fit their lids when their heads hear that crazy sound

Technical Difficulties

Last night, I returned to the Comedy Forum for the first time in about six months. I'll admit I was a little nervous; I really wanted to do well with the material I've written since I last performed there. I liken it to a class reunion, where you want to show everyone how well your doing despite their not-liking-you. I don't mean to paint that kind of picture, I've never felt unpopular at the Forum, I'm just trying to create a metaphor. Anyway, the show started around 8:15/8:20 or so, and I got on after 10:00pm. But not before the guy before me accidentally broke the mic stand. I can't blame him for it, because his replacing the mic in the stand was probably just the last straw, you know? Anyway it took a couple of minutes to get a replacement out, but as soon as it was ready, I was called on stage. My set wasn't as good as I had hoped, and I could easily blame the mic stand or the time of the night or the alignment of the stars or anything. I could blame that stuff, but the simple fact of the matter is; I went too fast. Rob Durham told me that, and for some reason it sank in. Tom Milster's been telling me that for weeks, maybe months. I may have mentioned it before, but I like the way Greg Warren goes up with a no-nonsense kind of attitude. He talks, sometimes with a voice that could issue army commands. But he doesn't rush. That's what I want. Even though some of his jokes are silly, he starts off with a presence that makes you pay attention. It doesn't make you want to pay attention, it just makes you DO it. I'm hoping I can keep that in mind tonight when Janine, Ken and I are in Bloomington. If college night is as cool as I've heard, this should be a ton of fun, and hopefully an easy set.

Live, and let live. The aim of the game is to feel real good.

King for a Day

I just realized that the majority of my blogs seem to start out with the phrase "Last night". So...Yesterday evening, I was sixth on the list at the Funny Bone. Scott Avery all-but-demanded I drop an "F-bomb" on stage, which I did during my opening "make a wish" line. I don't think I cussed anywhere else in the set; I got it on audio, so I'll have to review it. In preparation of the Bloomington trip, Janine Brito, Ken Jr. and I are taking Thursday, I dusted off my old college material. I've been trying to write a bit more, as I really like college audiences, but now doesn't seem the time to try new stuff. My college material flows easily into my jobs-I-had-or-have material. The crowd, though small, was pretty decent and I felt I had a really good set. I got off stage (probably) with a big crap-eating grin. I can't tell why last night I was comfortable, and in previous weeks I've been struggling. I'm wondering if having a goal (getting prepped for the Bloomington Trip) gets me excited and so I'm more thrilled to be on stage. In either way, if I can do well tonight, I'll consider my "slump" "busted". I'm going to switch it up tonight and head over to the Comedy Forum. I'm hoping I can show them how much I've improved since I last performed there.

Just wait 'til all the guys get a load of me

don't be a menace

Last night I got hung up at my condo talking to my temporary roommates, and so I didn't get to the Main St. Bistro until about 9:10ish. Clayton Champagne, Bill Davis and some others playing darts were there. We didn't have anyone there to see a show, so we were about to call it quits (and I was going to go home and Nyquil it up (still not over this cold)) when about 5 people showed up. 3 females, 2 guys. So we had a show. One of the females was already a little drunk, or she was just a loud-mouth, either way she talked through Clayton's set (and she would continue to talk through mine). Also, at one point, and I'm not sure how we got there, she let the n-word fly. You know the one I'm talking about. So when I got on stage, eventually I try out my, the n-word makes me uncomfortable bit. It's probably the most message-ridden bit I have; sadly it lacks a punch at the end. I'm really envious of John Roy, he's got some great anti-racism jokes. Anyway, one of Clayton's friends, Jim, asked to hear the Tetris joke, which the "crowd" actually paid attention to. I think I closed on that. I stuck around to watch some of Jim Stout's set, but had to get home and hit the sack, I didn't get to bed until about 11:30. Before the show started, I told Jim I was going to check out the Forum again soon, and he told me that their next show was on the 5^th. I might go check that out.