[A room somewhere, anywhere. Maybe a coffee shop. Maybe a break room in an office. You pick the setting. Two people are talking, one is a bald white guy about 26 years old, the other is mysterious, maybe hiding in shadows or something]
Person: So, how did the show go last night?
Marcus: The show was fine, almost everyone had a really good set.
Person: Did you get on stage?
Marcus: No, but I hung around for the show anyway.
Person: Did they post a list before you showed up?
Marcus: No, actually this week they posted a writing assignment, it was very different.
Person: What was the assignment?
Marcus: We had to write an essay on Purple Rain
Person: The Prince movie from the 80's?
Marcus: Exactly.
Person: So what did you do?
Marcus: Well, I've never seen the movie, so I hopped online and tried to find a plot summary or something to help me BS my way through it, I mean I wrote my senior thesis in college almost entirely by Cliff's notes, and I got an 'A'.
Person: Your parents must be proud...
Marcus: Yeah, anyway, I got on the IMDB and found some guys comment on the movie. It was like an essay in and of itself.
Person: So you used that?
Marcus: Yeah, I emailed it in, but I wasn't planning on taking credit for it, I was at the same time working on my own essay.
Person: So why'd you email it in?
Marcus: It was really good, I thought that they'd get a kick out of it.
Person: So how'd your own essay go?
Marcus: Well, that's just the thing, after reading the IMDB one, I couldn't find my own angle, it was really hard. Plus did I mention, I never saw the movie?
Person: Probably.
Marcus: Anyway, I wanted to talk about the psychological conflicts in the movie, man versus man, man versus society, man versus self, et cetera. But I didn't have enough info and I couldn't find any info on the movie.
Person: So what did you do?
Marcus: Well I started working on an essay comparing Purple Rain to a different movie, staring a different pop culture icon, only from a different decade.
Person: [covers face with hands] I'm afraid to ask. Was it?
Marcus: Yup, Cool as Ice.
Person: And you're personally familiar with this movie?
Marcus: I saw it once about five years ago.
Person: And so you wrote an essay comparing a movie you've never seen to a movie you saw once, five years ago?
Marcus: No, I didn't have time, see all of this happened Monday [coughs and mutters the next words under his breath] at work. And I didn't have time to finish by the end of the day.
Person: So what happened next?
Marcus: Well, I went to a different show, and when I got home I had an email from one of the essay judges.
Person: What did it say?
Marcus: They were impressed by the essay, the fake essay.
Person: And how did that make you feel?
Marcus: Queasy. For a number of reasons; 1) I'm not a hack, I don't steal material, and I don't want people to think I do. I've had to stop watching Comedy Central standup for fear of sub consciously stealing material; even last week I saw a guy do a bit that I do; the problem is I saw him do it probably before I started doing the bit, but I didn't realize it. So I probably lifted that bit, and didn't know it. But that's another issue. 2) They were impressed, and they told me; no one does that. I mean I get the standard "good set" and "I like that bit" stuff that all comics feed each other when they don't really have anything else to say.
Person: But it wasn't yours.
Marcus: Exactly! I was queasy because I knew how much they had to be impressed to mention it, so I knew how much they would be pissed when I confessed the truth. The higher something goes up, the more it has to fall, you know?
Person: How poetic. Anyway, so you're considering confessing?
Marcus: There wasn't really any consideration, I wasn't ever planning on claiming it as my own, if I had and they found out it was plagiarized, I'd be hosed. At this point I was actually afraid they'd get super pissed and tell me to get out.
Person: Seriously?
Marcus: Yeah. I'm kind of a worst-case-scenario kind of guy. And pessimists are never disappointed.
Person: Paranoid much?
Marcus: All the time, actually, I mean, it's not about how people think of me; I could honestly care less. I mean I've never been popular, I'm not good in social situations, and typically I feel like the odd man out, so I've got pretty good at ignoring/not caring what people think about me. However when people act different around me, that's what bugs me.
Person: And you honestly think they'd not allow you back because of a writing exercise?
Marcus: It's like this, when I was sixteen, my parents found a couple of packs of cigarettes in my room, and I told them they weren't mine. Whether or not they actually believed me isn't the point, I know that when they found out later I was smoking they were more disappointed in my lying than my actual smoking.
Person: So you told the truth about the IMDB essay so keep from disappointing the judges?
Marcus: In college I learned that some professors Google the first sentence of some papers and essays they get, and if the sentence comes up, they know their student cheated. I was kind of hoping that they knew and if I told them first they'd be like "that took guts, kid" or something, you know? Like I had character or moxy or something.
Person: So you confessed to impress them that way?
Marcus: No, I did it because I never had any intention of claiming that essay as my own; even when I was almost kind of praised for it. It's like finding a wallet with a bunch of cash in it and returning it intact. Only now people wonder how I got the wallet in the first place, you know?
Person: You use a lot of analogies, you know?
Marcus: I was an English major, it's kind of how I think. Symbolism and all...
Person: So last night, you showed up, turned in your real essay, didn't get banned from the Funny Bone, and didn't get on stage, you saw a good show and now you're blogging all about it now. Do you kind of consider this an apology or as kissing up?
Marcus: No, I don't blog so people can read about it, I blog so I can remember it later. It's cool that people do read this, but I try not to let it sway what I talk about too much.
Person: So you'll blog about almost anything or anyone then? Comedy related that is.
Marcus: Well, I try not to be critical of people, if I go on record saying someone had a bad set, they might get upset, and I don't want that. But then again, if I pay everyone a compliment save one person, they might take that as an insult too.
Person: Wow, you ARE paranoid.
Marcus: But then again, me not blogging about something can be just bad. If I didn't write about last night or if I didn't even mention my little panic attack about the essay, both people who read this might think I was pissed or scared or something.
Person: And you're not?
Marcus: Not pissed, no. Why should I be? I mean I was jealous of those who got stage time, but I'm always jealous of anyone on stage. But I am a little worried Scott, Jeremy or Matt will read this and be like "he was ok, until he blogged about it but now…"
Person: Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist. You might be a little unbalanced.
Marcus: Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
Person: Alright then, so why do your entry like this today?
Marcus: I've been reading a Lejos Ergi book where he has a lot of scenes from plays in it, and I wanted to try my hand at dialogue writing. It also kind of lets people learn more about me, and my cute little neurosis; I get to play devil's advocate in a way, and it gives Gabe something to read about.
Yeah if I make it I'd be amazed
Just to find tomorrow
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